I was recently catching up on episodes of a podcast that I listen to, and highly recommend, called Radiolab. It's a science podcast predominantly but what I like about it most is that it is presented by telling the human stories behind the science. Go have a listen!
Anyway, there was an episode from last summer entitled Deception which was all about lies, why people tell them, and how they can be spotted. The full episode is still available to listen to here. The last section, at 47 minutes in, was to me the most interesting because it covered the subject of self-deception.
It's really worth a listen. The conclusion that the researchers being interviewed came to is that our abilities at self-deception can actually be looked on as a good thing, as a gift as such. They discovered that people who are more successful and happier in life tend to be better at deceiving themselves, where those who look at just the cold hard facts may tend to be down or depressed. The obsession with being objectively correct that many of us with a more scientific or logical background may have can be a very bad thing at times.
To me this all makes sense and it ties in with my last blog post, which was about faith. I guess faith is in itself a form of self-deception.
There is a message here to anyone looking for success or happiness in life, and I think especially to aspiring hypnotists. Disregard anything in the past that, however real and tragic it may seem, gives you negative feelings, step into the moment and go forward expecting happiness and success.
You are awesome and can do anything you put your mind to. Believe it! Deceive yourself for long enough for it to become true.
Monday, 9 May 2011
Wednesday, 16 March 2011
Faith
Another day, another comment on Facebook written by a fellow atheist taking a dig at religion.
This time: "Science flies you to the moon; religion flies you into buildings"
Years ago I may have applauded along with the crowd at such a comment but nowadays I sigh at how my left-brained friends manage to so completely miss the point, which is one about belief.
Now, I'm agnostic; I see no evidence for the existence of a supreme being so I do not believe in one, but at the same I cannot disprove the existence of one either (if that sounds wishy-washy to you bear in mind I have a similar stance on the subject of the easter bunny).
Where I part company with many of my other godless friends is that I think that a life without faith is likely to be empty and unfulfilling. I just personally don't agree with religious faith.
To explain, as a hypnotist I feel I have more than a little insight into the human mind's capacity for belief. Let's face it, we're all capable of unquestioningly believing crazy things, evolution has wired us up that way, and the most impressive thing about belief is the way that it affects the nature of reality. I don't think that any kind of thinking is going to affect the objective universe, such as allow people to use telekinesis to unbend corkscrews, open a channel of communication to the deceased or make deities pop into objective existence, but bear in mind that none of us actually lives in an objective universe. You, and everybody you meet, live in a subjective universe, which is just your mind's interpretation of what your senses are telling you.
You are responsible for generating your perception of reality.
To the faithless the only way to think is one where belief follows evidence. This is fine if you want to work out something objective, such as calculate the age of the universe, but I think it's important to realise there are other areas in life where the scientific mindset doesn't have all the answers and can actually lead to mediocrity and misery. Those all too real entities in our worlds such as confidence, happiness, fulfillment are not objective quantities.
Faith, to me, is to place belief before evidence. Successful people, happy people, achievers, don't look for evidence that they will be successful, happy or get what they want; rather they believe it first. When we believe something our mind and body work overtime in thousands of imperceptible ways to make that thing true for us. This is why, for example, athletes will actually spend time just imagining perfect performance.
I think that a little faith is missing from a lot of peoples' lives. There are too many people waiting for evidence of the things they want from life so that they can then believe that they can have them, and in doing so they place the cart before the horse.
Faith
Faith and relationships
Here's an example that's been on my mind for the last few days.
I recently read a book entitled He's just not that into you by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo (two of the minds behind Sex and the City). It's a self-help book aimed at women wanting to understand men, but I was curious to get a bit of perspective and indeed a lot of it could apply to both sexes. It covers all sorts of different situations that might come up but there is a common theme, which is that there are times when by far the best thing to do is to cut the guy loose and move on.
This is a lot easier to say than to do of course, for both men and women, because this scene is set against the backdrop of what I've heard called, rather aptly, "the great emotional depression". This is a concept I read about in a book called If I'm so wonderful why am I still single? by Susan Page (both of these volumes reside on my allocated "scare women away" bookshelf). Page comes to a similar conclusion as Behrendt, that people perceive their own self-worth to be so low and good partners to be in such short supply that they stay in better-than-nothing relationships lest they never find anyone else. Low self esteem everywhere; it's like the economic depression of the 1930s except it's not money that's not circulating freely, it's singles.
A lot of my friends are couples and when two people are really good for one another there's a chemistry that I think is just wonderful to see and this somehow transcends my jealousy. They remind me why I am single.
There are no two ways about it, being single is very difficult at times but there are worse things than being single. There is, for example, being in a relationship that isn't going anywhere and yet holding on in hope that there is a future, somehow things will get better, or kidding oneself that this is as good as it's ever going to get. The problem is that this isn't so apparent from the inside; it's very difficult to admit to oneself that there are no butterflies and that low self esteem is at least partly responsible for cementing a relationship together.
I know lukewarm better-than-nothing relationships can be comfortable but the terrible truth is this: whilst someone is invested in such mediocrity one they are closing themselves off to finding something truly amazing. That person with the capacity to truly melt their heart may just show up, see they're unavailable, sigh, shrug shoulders and move on to pastures new without them even realising.
This is where we come back to faith; to choose to be single in todays world is a massive leap of faith. It's about knowing what you want, what you truly desire, and believing without question that somewhere out there at some point in the future you will find it. Keeping the faith through the inevitable lonely evenings is difficult; keeping it in the face of romantic opportunities that are admittedly agreeable but fall short of ones needs is even more difficult.
There's no way to prove that special person is out there; it's about having faith.
Faith in oneself
Heraclitus, a greek philosopher, once said "Character is Destiny".
The people who live truly remarkable lives suffer the same setbacks and circumstances as anyone. What makes these people different? Well the difference comes from inside of them in the form of their set of beliefs.
I think it's important to decide who you are and where you want to go with your life, be it in your career, relationships, or any other goals.
If you believe, truly believe, that you can achieve great things your mind and body will move mountains to make this true. If you decide that it is in your character you will put yourself out there, get the knowledge, take the risks, make the mistakes, earn the experience and learn the lessons to get where you want to go.
The way to a great destiny is through character and a great character comes through belief.
Faith is a wonderful thing.
This time: "Science flies you to the moon; religion flies you into buildings"
Years ago I may have applauded along with the crowd at such a comment but nowadays I sigh at how my left-brained friends manage to so completely miss the point, which is one about belief.
Now, I'm agnostic; I see no evidence for the existence of a supreme being so I do not believe in one, but at the same I cannot disprove the existence of one either (if that sounds wishy-washy to you bear in mind I have a similar stance on the subject of the easter bunny).
Where I part company with many of my other godless friends is that I think that a life without faith is likely to be empty and unfulfilling. I just personally don't agree with religious faith.
To explain, as a hypnotist I feel I have more than a little insight into the human mind's capacity for belief. Let's face it, we're all capable of unquestioningly believing crazy things, evolution has wired us up that way, and the most impressive thing about belief is the way that it affects the nature of reality. I don't think that any kind of thinking is going to affect the objective universe, such as allow people to use telekinesis to unbend corkscrews, open a channel of communication to the deceased or make deities pop into objective existence, but bear in mind that none of us actually lives in an objective universe. You, and everybody you meet, live in a subjective universe, which is just your mind's interpretation of what your senses are telling you.
You are responsible for generating your perception of reality.
To the faithless the only way to think is one where belief follows evidence. This is fine if you want to work out something objective, such as calculate the age of the universe, but I think it's important to realise there are other areas in life where the scientific mindset doesn't have all the answers and can actually lead to mediocrity and misery. Those all too real entities in our worlds such as confidence, happiness, fulfillment are not objective quantities.
Faith, to me, is to place belief before evidence. Successful people, happy people, achievers, don't look for evidence that they will be successful, happy or get what they want; rather they believe it first. When we believe something our mind and body work overtime in thousands of imperceptible ways to make that thing true for us. This is why, for example, athletes will actually spend time just imagining perfect performance.
I think that a little faith is missing from a lot of peoples' lives. There are too many people waiting for evidence of the things they want from life so that they can then believe that they can have them, and in doing so they place the cart before the horse.
Faith and relationships
Here's an example that's been on my mind for the last few days.
I recently read a book entitled He's just not that into you by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo (two of the minds behind Sex and the City). It's a self-help book aimed at women wanting to understand men, but I was curious to get a bit of perspective and indeed a lot of it could apply to both sexes. It covers all sorts of different situations that might come up but there is a common theme, which is that there are times when by far the best thing to do is to cut the guy loose and move on.
This is a lot easier to say than to do of course, for both men and women, because this scene is set against the backdrop of what I've heard called, rather aptly, "the great emotional depression". This is a concept I read about in a book called If I'm so wonderful why am I still single? by Susan Page (both of these volumes reside on my allocated "scare women away" bookshelf). Page comes to a similar conclusion as Behrendt, that people perceive their own self-worth to be so low and good partners to be in such short supply that they stay in better-than-nothing relationships lest they never find anyone else. Low self esteem everywhere; it's like the economic depression of the 1930s except it's not money that's not circulating freely, it's singles.
A lot of my friends are couples and when two people are really good for one another there's a chemistry that I think is just wonderful to see and this somehow transcends my jealousy. They remind me why I am single.
There are no two ways about it, being single is very difficult at times but there are worse things than being single. There is, for example, being in a relationship that isn't going anywhere and yet holding on in hope that there is a future, somehow things will get better, or kidding oneself that this is as good as it's ever going to get. The problem is that this isn't so apparent from the inside; it's very difficult to admit to oneself that there are no butterflies and that low self esteem is at least partly responsible for cementing a relationship together.
I know lukewarm better-than-nothing relationships can be comfortable but the terrible truth is this: whilst someone is invested in such mediocrity one they are closing themselves off to finding something truly amazing. That person with the capacity to truly melt their heart may just show up, see they're unavailable, sigh, shrug shoulders and move on to pastures new without them even realising.
This is where we come back to faith; to choose to be single in todays world is a massive leap of faith. It's about knowing what you want, what you truly desire, and believing without question that somewhere out there at some point in the future you will find it. Keeping the faith through the inevitable lonely evenings is difficult; keeping it in the face of romantic opportunities that are admittedly agreeable but fall short of ones needs is even more difficult.
There's no way to prove that special person is out there; it's about having faith.
Faith in oneself
Heraclitus, a greek philosopher, once said "Character is Destiny".
The people who live truly remarkable lives suffer the same setbacks and circumstances as anyone. What makes these people different? Well the difference comes from inside of them in the form of their set of beliefs.
I think it's important to decide who you are and where you want to go with your life, be it in your career, relationships, or any other goals.
If you believe, truly believe, that you can achieve great things your mind and body will move mountains to make this true. If you decide that it is in your character you will put yourself out there, get the knowledge, take the risks, make the mistakes, earn the experience and learn the lessons to get where you want to go.
The way to a great destiny is through character and a great character comes through belief.
Faith is a wonderful thing.
Friday, 25 February 2011
Intuition
I recently had a disagreement with a person I know. I won't go into specifics but suffice to say I had stated something to her which I knew to be a fact.
No, I was told, that's not right. I was even called a liar.
Well fine, I responded, but here's why what I say is true. Fact, fact, fact, and therefore, orignal fact.
All of that is true, came the reply, but I am going to believe my intuition.
Any logically minded individual will recognise the kind of frustration this has the potential to engender. What does this say about this person? Does it mean she's stupid, or insane? Well, no. What it means is that she's just human.
Imagine you were rolling dice and you rolled a 1, say, five times in a row. What does logic tell you the result of the next roll will be? What does intuition tell you it will be?
I once knew another person who insisted to me that her first impressions of a person always turned out to be right. As I got to know her better I could see that in her subjective view of the world she was absolutely right. The reason for this was that everything she saw of a new person after their first meeting was being viewed through the filter of her first impression. It's not uncommon either, it's something everyone does to some extent.
A few months ago I was at a social gathering and I made eye contact with a woman I'd never seen before. I met her gaze and held it, and it was about four or five seconds before she looked away and wandered off. Now, any guy who has studied attraction will know what effect holding a woman's gaze until it's her that breaks it can have. Sure enough when I actually got introduced to her she was all smiles and visibly nervous. I met her on several more occasions and by the end she was dropping fairly unsubtle hints that she wanted me to ask her out.
I am willing to bet that had I acted differently in those first few moments my relationship with this person would have been entirely different. Why? Because when she and I actually met her intuition was probably already telling her that I am strong, comfortable and confident and therefore attractive. If I'd done what a lot of men do when they make eye contact with a woman, which is to look away and down, she certainly would not have thought about me in the same way. The same people, the same lives and values, but a completely different relationship.
This isn't just with women of course, men are also completely capable of thinking this way. We all, trust me, do it far more often than we realise. Women are, on the whole, much more prone to making up their mind based on the premise of their infallible "Women's intuition".
Actually, whilst I'm commenting on the complete irrationality of the fairer sex I'll mention an interesting thing I found during my brief forray into online dating, which is that in this context women trust their intuition despite (given the nature of communication being text only) most of it not being plugged into anything. It's like a case of communicational phantom limb syndrome.
Most men of course simply see large breasts and think "Hmm, that woman must definitely be a nice person!"
This is what I'm getting at: often the intuition is arguably very wrong, but as far as the person is concerned it is right. Get the other person's unconscious intuitive process on board and there is no end to the sort of stuff you can get away with; likewise strike the wrong chord and it doesn't matter how honest you are. This is why, for example, people will happily get taken in by con artists, and why some of the most harmless honourably intentioned yet lonely men get rejected by women as creepy.
So there are two things to take away from this I think. The first is the understanding that getting a person's intuition on your side is crucial to having a positive influence on them. People don't instinctively judge you as good or bad based on your expressed morals, beliefs or intentions, they base it on your presentation of yourself. Putting yourself across in a way that wins over another person's intuition is learned skill, but it's worth learning because if you can do it their logical brain will often jump through hoops to agree with you. I would call the extreme example of this hypnosis.
Conversely trying to fight a person's intuition with facts, regardless of how true and clear they are to you, is a losing battle. The telltale is the emotional attachment, and clawing at it with logic will only make it dig itself in deeper.
The second thing is to begin to recognise when this is happening to you. If somebody challenges you on something you believe and you feel yourself getting emotional about it this is a good sign that there is some level of irrationality to your thinking. One very important lesson I've learned is which feelings to take as a sign that I need to stop and reconsider my own beliefs - there's a particular feeling of discomfort that tells me I'm definitely onto something.
Admitting to being wrong in the face of strong emotions that tell us we're right can be difficult, but those who can do it stand to learn a lot and grow as people.
It's harder to be wrong than right.
So going back to my earlier disagreement. As you would expect I performed an amazing feat of conversational hypnosis, engaging her on an emotional level, so convinving her that my opinion is worthy of her trust and thus winning her over to my argument.
Actually no I didn't. Sometimes you just have to let people believe whatever bollocks they want to believe. Sometimes the best thing one can do is just walk away.
No, I was told, that's not right. I was even called a liar.
Well fine, I responded, but here's why what I say is true. Fact, fact, fact, and therefore, orignal fact.
All of that is true, came the reply, but I am going to believe my intuition.
Any logically minded individual will recognise the kind of frustration this has the potential to engender. What does this say about this person? Does it mean she's stupid, or insane? Well, no. What it means is that she's just human.
Imagine you were rolling dice and you rolled a 1, say, five times in a row. What does logic tell you the result of the next roll will be? What does intuition tell you it will be?
I once knew another person who insisted to me that her first impressions of a person always turned out to be right. As I got to know her better I could see that in her subjective view of the world she was absolutely right. The reason for this was that everything she saw of a new person after their first meeting was being viewed through the filter of her first impression. It's not uncommon either, it's something everyone does to some extent.
A few months ago I was at a social gathering and I made eye contact with a woman I'd never seen before. I met her gaze and held it, and it was about four or five seconds before she looked away and wandered off. Now, any guy who has studied attraction will know what effect holding a woman's gaze until it's her that breaks it can have. Sure enough when I actually got introduced to her she was all smiles and visibly nervous. I met her on several more occasions and by the end she was dropping fairly unsubtle hints that she wanted me to ask her out.
I am willing to bet that had I acted differently in those first few moments my relationship with this person would have been entirely different. Why? Because when she and I actually met her intuition was probably already telling her that I am strong, comfortable and confident and therefore attractive. If I'd done what a lot of men do when they make eye contact with a woman, which is to look away and down, she certainly would not have thought about me in the same way. The same people, the same lives and values, but a completely different relationship.
This isn't just with women of course, men are also completely capable of thinking this way. We all, trust me, do it far more often than we realise. Women are, on the whole, much more prone to making up their mind based on the premise of their infallible "Women's intuition".
Actually, whilst I'm commenting on the complete irrationality of the fairer sex I'll mention an interesting thing I found during my brief forray into online dating, which is that in this context women trust their intuition despite (given the nature of communication being text only) most of it not being plugged into anything. It's like a case of communicational phantom limb syndrome.
Most men of course simply see large breasts and think "Hmm, that woman must definitely be a nice person!"
This is what I'm getting at: often the intuition is arguably very wrong, but as far as the person is concerned it is right. Get the other person's unconscious intuitive process on board and there is no end to the sort of stuff you can get away with; likewise strike the wrong chord and it doesn't matter how honest you are. This is why, for example, people will happily get taken in by con artists, and why some of the most harmless honourably intentioned yet lonely men get rejected by women as creepy.
So there are two things to take away from this I think. The first is the understanding that getting a person's intuition on your side is crucial to having a positive influence on them. People don't instinctively judge you as good or bad based on your expressed morals, beliefs or intentions, they base it on your presentation of yourself. Putting yourself across in a way that wins over another person's intuition is learned skill, but it's worth learning because if you can do it their logical brain will often jump through hoops to agree with you. I would call the extreme example of this hypnosis.
Conversely trying to fight a person's intuition with facts, regardless of how true and clear they are to you, is a losing battle. The telltale is the emotional attachment, and clawing at it with logic will only make it dig itself in deeper.
The second thing is to begin to recognise when this is happening to you. If somebody challenges you on something you believe and you feel yourself getting emotional about it this is a good sign that there is some level of irrationality to your thinking. One very important lesson I've learned is which feelings to take as a sign that I need to stop and reconsider my own beliefs - there's a particular feeling of discomfort that tells me I'm definitely onto something.
Admitting to being wrong in the face of strong emotions that tell us we're right can be difficult, but those who can do it stand to learn a lot and grow as people.
It's harder to be wrong than right.
So going back to my earlier disagreement. As you would expect I performed an amazing feat of conversational hypnosis, engaging her on an emotional level, so convinving her that my opinion is worthy of her trust and thus winning her over to my argument.
Actually no I didn't. Sometimes you just have to let people believe whatever bollocks they want to believe. Sometimes the best thing one can do is just walk away.
Tuesday, 1 February 2011
Serendipity from misery
Last night I figured something out about my own hypnotisability. It's early days, but I think I've hit on something fundamental, and what's more it's so blindingly obvious that I can't believe that it didn't occur to me sooner.
To make this discovery I needed to be extremely miserable. I have to say one of the best pieces of advice I've ever been given about being single, which I wish I'd know years ago, is that it's important to give oneself permission to be miserable from time to time. Don't get me wrong life is great at the moment for me but inevitably for any singleton there will be a day each month when they come home late to an empty home after a long day at work and the lack of companionship does tend to bite somewhat. In these situations it is best to face the negative feelings directly to get over them rather than to try to deny them or feel guilt for having them and end up wallowing in it for days.
For some reason on this particular occasion I decided that a hypnosis mp3 or two would be a good idea for something to listen to whilst I mulled over my state of mind. I find that when hypnosis is working best my thoughts fly off on a tangent and then fade, rather like a spark from a Catherine wheel. My idea was I'd listen to the mp3 whilst distracting myself with my own contemplation.
I went out like a light.
Not only that, over the course of the fastest hour in history the feelings turned from misery to intense joy.
Here then is my discovery about my own hypnotic response, and indeed why in the past it has varied so much. It seems that for a good trance I need to be emotionally charged.
The most ridiculous thing is that I have known about the significance of emotions in hypnosis for a long time. Indeed one of my pet peeves is the people who come to hypnosis from a background of computer programming (why are there so many of them?) and think that it is basically the same kind of dry, emotionless, command-action based process. "if this, then you will do that", and so on. A true hypnotist doesn't care about eliminating syntax errors, they are more interested in making sure their subject feels good. Crucially, following a suggestion should always be downhill for the subject; easier and more pleasant to follow than to snap out of it.
The concept that an emotional state is powerful catalyst, if not an absolute requirement for hypnosis should have been obvious to me.
This another one of those things that good hypnotic subjects know already, and thus a lot of hypnotists don't know because it's not something they've ever needed to instruct. Indeed the mp3s I have been listening to do nothing to induce an emotional state other that instructing the subject to relax.
So here's the lesson boys and girls: if you want a good trance, go for an emotional response.
To make this discovery I needed to be extremely miserable. I have to say one of the best pieces of advice I've ever been given about being single, which I wish I'd know years ago, is that it's important to give oneself permission to be miserable from time to time. Don't get me wrong life is great at the moment for me but inevitably for any singleton there will be a day each month when they come home late to an empty home after a long day at work and the lack of companionship does tend to bite somewhat. In these situations it is best to face the negative feelings directly to get over them rather than to try to deny them or feel guilt for having them and end up wallowing in it for days.
For some reason on this particular occasion I decided that a hypnosis mp3 or two would be a good idea for something to listen to whilst I mulled over my state of mind. I find that when hypnosis is working best my thoughts fly off on a tangent and then fade, rather like a spark from a Catherine wheel. My idea was I'd listen to the mp3 whilst distracting myself with my own contemplation.
I went out like a light.
Not only that, over the course of the fastest hour in history the feelings turned from misery to intense joy.
Here then is my discovery about my own hypnotic response, and indeed why in the past it has varied so much. It seems that for a good trance I need to be emotionally charged.
The most ridiculous thing is that I have known about the significance of emotions in hypnosis for a long time. Indeed one of my pet peeves is the people who come to hypnosis from a background of computer programming (why are there so many of them?) and think that it is basically the same kind of dry, emotionless, command-action based process. "if this, then you will do that", and so on. A true hypnotist doesn't care about eliminating syntax errors, they are more interested in making sure their subject feels good. Crucially, following a suggestion should always be downhill for the subject; easier and more pleasant to follow than to snap out of it.
The concept that an emotional state is powerful catalyst, if not an absolute requirement for hypnosis should have been obvious to me.
This another one of those things that good hypnotic subjects know already, and thus a lot of hypnotists don't know because it's not something they've ever needed to instruct. Indeed the mp3s I have been listening to do nothing to induce an emotional state other that instructing the subject to relax.
So here's the lesson boys and girls: if you want a good trance, go for an emotional response.
Sunday, 30 January 2011
Why I love to Jive
Today I have been in London attending a workshop and it's brought me to understand a number of concepts, which I would like to share.
Readers of this blog will have noticed that I like to bring in references to other activities that I have participated in. Part of this is because I believe that a broad range of very different skills are worth more than the sum of its parts, but I also think it is true to say that an understanding of hypnosis is something that greatly enriches ones understanding of all aspects of life.
Something that has always been true of me is that I like to embrace completely new challenges from time to time. A few years ago I had a conversation with a co-worker about his interest in modern jive dancing. When, back in November, I found myself wanting to find new things to do with my time, and because dancing was definitely not me, as in not the sort of thing I'd ever even considered doing before, I of course threw myself straight into it.
If not modern jive, I can definitely recommend this attitude to life.
I also make no secret of the fact that meeting women played no small part in my motivation. As with most people whose vocation in life lies with engineering, the physical sciences or computers, my relationship with attractive young women has in the past been as a man lost in the desert's relationship with water. Meeting lots of women in an environment where the only agenda is to have fun has only been a good thing for me.
So how does modern jive relate to hypnosis? Well, I experienced a moment during the workshop today that connected so many dots it took me a couple of hours to trace all the lines. Hypnosis, trance, the subconscious and attraction all tied together, and it's beautiful.
You see as it's a partner dance one person, the man, leads and the other, the woman, follows. The link to hypnosis came out of the moment when the guy teaching the course started to demonstrate some of the more advanced concepts of lead and follow with his assistant. She was a gorgeous young woman with a wonderful petite figure, short brown hair and shining blue eyes, but the most impressive thing about her was the way she moved because it was so smooth and elegant, especially the way her hips swayed as she transfered her weight from foot to foot. She'd been dancing for five years, actually had "To live... Is to dance" tattooed on her forearm, and every movement of her body seemed so easy and natural.
It was when the teacher took her hand and started showing the men how to lead, however, that the hypnotist inside me woke up. "Oh my goodness" it said "she's going into trance". It was as plain as day, the shift in mental state was all over her face; I know that look and I'd recognise it anywhere! She was looking at the teacher with a blank receptive expression, her eyes locked on him, as her body responded to the instructions his hands gave her: forward; back; spin left; spin right. Obviously over years of dancing she has reached a point where no conscious input is required, she knows the cues and the subconscious responds making her body move as though on autopilot.
So firstly we have what every person who enjoys exercise has, which is a trance state. Secondly she is being purely feminine: she doesn't have to think along a timeline; she doesn't have to think about anything spacial; she can live and express herself in the moment. Finally we have the kind of sexual polarity that David Deida talks about between masculine and feminie that exists in the dance state (pardon the pun). Feminity is balanced against the masculinity of her dance partner who confidently leads the way into the next move and is always there to catch her.
No wonder she loves dancing!
A nice little showcase of this kind of lead and follow comes in an exercise that beginners to modern jive are shown. Partners stand facing each other and place their palms against the palms of their partner with just a little bit of pressure. The follower's role is to maintain that pressure and to move in whatever way is necessary to do so. The leader is thus able to move their partner around just by moving their own hands. The result feels exactly the same as a hypnotic hand stick and I guess a lot of the principles are the same. For the follower it's about agreeing to be led (not controlled; led) and going with it. If they really trust you, as the leader you can get them to close their eyes, lead them backward, forward, turn them in either direction and, if you're feeling particularly mischievous, without warning deposit them into the nearest sofa.
Before you ask yes I have been tempted to weave in a little hypnosis into that exercise, and I will probably at some point come up with a routine based on it.
Anyway, coming back to the hot assistant and her dance trance, so many things about what I find attractive in women slotted into place too. I have always found a woman's eyes to be the outward feature I find most attractive and I always know when a woman has had an impact on me because I have a lingering impression of her eye colour; it's possibly the closest thing I've ever had to synesthesia. Anyway I always thought my affinity for eyes was because they express personality and intelligence, and of course they do, but now I think there's more to it than that. I think that what I am seeing and being attracted to, certain looks and expressions, is an expression of something that is deeply feminine; that receptive almost entranced look especially.
Yes I did dance with that girl at the workshop. It was a lot of fun but my word was it intimidating. Asking "how did I do?" most unattractively after running through new moves was something that I found most difficult, although she did give me some very useful pointers on technique.
Going back to attraction a month or so ago following a conversation with a female friend who was having trouble finding men she was attracted to I wanted to see if there was any material out there that was the female equivalent of David DeAngelo's Double your Dating. I came across an ebook that seems to be exactly that called Sensuality Secrets written by a woman called Patty Contenta, and it turns out that she is a ballroom dance teacher. I actually found it fascinating because the emphasis is entirely different to all the material out there for men as it focuses on posture and body language, which I guess reflects how different the sense of attractiveness is to men and women.
My friend's reaction was interesting though, because she commented that a lot of the Sensuality Secrets stuff, from the preview material on the website, just comes across as being subservient. This came at around about the same time as a friend's girlfriend, who is a feminist, commented that I shouldn't be approaching women and taking it for granted I will be leading the dance, rather I should be asking them if they would like me to. I think these are responses that are indicative of the difficulties facing men in the modern era. Women are so empowered nowadays and some would even say women are so independent that they don't need men any more. What is our role supposed to be if we are no longer the breadwinners and the head of the household?
Personally I happen to think that women need men more than ever in the modern age. Women need men in order to be women, just as night cannot exist without day. It's all about polarity, and there is no escaping the behaviours and desires that evolution gave us. I think the independence and equality women have today is a very good thing; I actually find myself most attracted to strong independent women. Deep down though all women want to be led when it's time to dance; dance literally or metaphorically; they want to feel that polarity with a partner even if they don't understand it.
So, I like to dance because partner dancing is a microcosm of the relationship between a man and a woman. It's a great way for the sexes to appreciate what they want from each other when it comes to what they need from each other. Attraction is a dance, flirting is a dance, dating is a dance. As a man I can concentrate on learning the steps, leading with confidence, and letting everything flow naturally.
Above all though, dancing is fun.
Readers of this blog will have noticed that I like to bring in references to other activities that I have participated in. Part of this is because I believe that a broad range of very different skills are worth more than the sum of its parts, but I also think it is true to say that an understanding of hypnosis is something that greatly enriches ones understanding of all aspects of life.
Something that has always been true of me is that I like to embrace completely new challenges from time to time. A few years ago I had a conversation with a co-worker about his interest in modern jive dancing. When, back in November, I found myself wanting to find new things to do with my time, and because dancing was definitely not me, as in not the sort of thing I'd ever even considered doing before, I of course threw myself straight into it.
If not modern jive, I can definitely recommend this attitude to life.
I also make no secret of the fact that meeting women played no small part in my motivation. As with most people whose vocation in life lies with engineering, the physical sciences or computers, my relationship with attractive young women has in the past been as a man lost in the desert's relationship with water. Meeting lots of women in an environment where the only agenda is to have fun has only been a good thing for me.
So how does modern jive relate to hypnosis? Well, I experienced a moment during the workshop today that connected so many dots it took me a couple of hours to trace all the lines. Hypnosis, trance, the subconscious and attraction all tied together, and it's beautiful.
You see as it's a partner dance one person, the man, leads and the other, the woman, follows. The link to hypnosis came out of the moment when the guy teaching the course started to demonstrate some of the more advanced concepts of lead and follow with his assistant. She was a gorgeous young woman with a wonderful petite figure, short brown hair and shining blue eyes, but the most impressive thing about her was the way she moved because it was so smooth and elegant, especially the way her hips swayed as she transfered her weight from foot to foot. She'd been dancing for five years, actually had "To live... Is to dance" tattooed on her forearm, and every movement of her body seemed so easy and natural.
It was when the teacher took her hand and started showing the men how to lead, however, that the hypnotist inside me woke up. "Oh my goodness" it said "she's going into trance". It was as plain as day, the shift in mental state was all over her face; I know that look and I'd recognise it anywhere! She was looking at the teacher with a blank receptive expression, her eyes locked on him, as her body responded to the instructions his hands gave her: forward; back; spin left; spin right. Obviously over years of dancing she has reached a point where no conscious input is required, she knows the cues and the subconscious responds making her body move as though on autopilot.
So firstly we have what every person who enjoys exercise has, which is a trance state. Secondly she is being purely feminine: she doesn't have to think along a timeline; she doesn't have to think about anything spacial; she can live and express herself in the moment. Finally we have the kind of sexual polarity that David Deida talks about between masculine and feminie that exists in the dance state (pardon the pun). Feminity is balanced against the masculinity of her dance partner who confidently leads the way into the next move and is always there to catch her.
No wonder she loves dancing!
A nice little showcase of this kind of lead and follow comes in an exercise that beginners to modern jive are shown. Partners stand facing each other and place their palms against the palms of their partner with just a little bit of pressure. The follower's role is to maintain that pressure and to move in whatever way is necessary to do so. The leader is thus able to move their partner around just by moving their own hands. The result feels exactly the same as a hypnotic hand stick and I guess a lot of the principles are the same. For the follower it's about agreeing to be led (not controlled; led) and going with it. If they really trust you, as the leader you can get them to close their eyes, lead them backward, forward, turn them in either direction and, if you're feeling particularly mischievous, without warning deposit them into the nearest sofa.
Before you ask yes I have been tempted to weave in a little hypnosis into that exercise, and I will probably at some point come up with a routine based on it.
Anyway, coming back to the hot assistant and her dance trance, so many things about what I find attractive in women slotted into place too. I have always found a woman's eyes to be the outward feature I find most attractive and I always know when a woman has had an impact on me because I have a lingering impression of her eye colour; it's possibly the closest thing I've ever had to synesthesia. Anyway I always thought my affinity for eyes was because they express personality and intelligence, and of course they do, but now I think there's more to it than that. I think that what I am seeing and being attracted to, certain looks and expressions, is an expression of something that is deeply feminine; that receptive almost entranced look especially.
Yes I did dance with that girl at the workshop. It was a lot of fun but my word was it intimidating. Asking "how did I do?" most unattractively after running through new moves was something that I found most difficult, although she did give me some very useful pointers on technique.
Going back to attraction a month or so ago following a conversation with a female friend who was having trouble finding men she was attracted to I wanted to see if there was any material out there that was the female equivalent of David DeAngelo's Double your Dating. I came across an ebook that seems to be exactly that called Sensuality Secrets written by a woman called Patty Contenta, and it turns out that she is a ballroom dance teacher. I actually found it fascinating because the emphasis is entirely different to all the material out there for men as it focuses on posture and body language, which I guess reflects how different the sense of attractiveness is to men and women.
My friend's reaction was interesting though, because she commented that a lot of the Sensuality Secrets stuff, from the preview material on the website, just comes across as being subservient. This came at around about the same time as a friend's girlfriend, who is a feminist, commented that I shouldn't be approaching women and taking it for granted I will be leading the dance, rather I should be asking them if they would like me to. I think these are responses that are indicative of the difficulties facing men in the modern era. Women are so empowered nowadays and some would even say women are so independent that they don't need men any more. What is our role supposed to be if we are no longer the breadwinners and the head of the household?
Personally I happen to think that women need men more than ever in the modern age. Women need men in order to be women, just as night cannot exist without day. It's all about polarity, and there is no escaping the behaviours and desires that evolution gave us. I think the independence and equality women have today is a very good thing; I actually find myself most attracted to strong independent women. Deep down though all women want to be led when it's time to dance; dance literally or metaphorically; they want to feel that polarity with a partner even if they don't understand it.
So, I like to dance because partner dancing is a microcosm of the relationship between a man and a woman. It's a great way for the sexes to appreciate what they want from each other when it comes to what they need from each other. Attraction is a dance, flirting is a dance, dating is a dance. As a man I can concentrate on learning the steps, leading with confidence, and letting everything flow naturally.
Above all though, dancing is fun.
Wednesday, 26 January 2011
First timers I
Right, enough of my musings; now for something actually useful.
I've had a few friends who have looked at doing a bit of hypnosis, have read a book or two, or a hundred, on how to do it and yet still haven't hypnotised anybody. This is crucial, because to my mind nobody can call themself a hypnotist until they have actually hypnotised another person, in person; it's the distinction between being a hypnotist and being a person who knows a bit about hypnosis. I should say if your sole body of experience is hypnosis over MSN, or god forbid you're one of those people who has put put up a youtube video featuring only text or a computer generated voice, you are only a person who knows a bit about hypnosis.
Anyway, I was recently chatting with a friend who has yet to put her knowledge of hypnosis into action and she said that something that's bee a problem for her is knowing what to do next. She said what would really help her would be a routine to try, so I promised I would write something to encourage her to go forward with it.
So if you're one of these people who has learned about hypnosis but never (let's face it) worked up the nerve to go and give it a go with someone, this is for you. In this post I will give you some principles to think about, and then in the next I will give you an actual routine to go and try.
So, here is my advice to newbies.
1. Deal with your anxiety.
Do you know that feeling you get when you think you'd like to bring up your interest in hypnosis or ask someone to be your subject? That feeling of anxiety that comes up and makes it so easy to do nothing and let another opportunity slip through your fingers? Some news for you: this feeling will never go away. I would say that most or indeed every hypnotist gets this feeling, but what distinguishes them is an ability to act in the face of it.
A lot of people think they can overcome anxiety by learning more, or maybe they're just procrastinating. Either way I'm afraid this doesn't work. By all means keep reading, but understand that the only way you will get to hypnotise someone is by just getting on with it.
The best analogue for the feeling I can think of for me has been in the past when there's been an attractive woman I've wanted to go and talk to. Something that the pickup artist community puts about is the idea of the so-called three second rule - when you see her you have three seconds to go over to her or it's over before it's even begun. I think employing a similar principle with opportunities for hypnosis is a good idea. In the moment don't give yourself time to think; have a routine ready so you know where to start; go straight in.
I mean it! Don't think, GO!
The good news is that this feeling is a peak not a plateau. If you can face it and climb over it you will find yourself coasting down the other side. Once over the top you'll be on what B.A. Baracas used to call "The Jazz" and trust me for that feeling alone it's worth it. Learn to embrace your anxiety as a positive sign that you're pushing the bounds of your comfort zone. It's the time for full speed ahead because if you backpedal or even coast for just a moment you will never have the momentum to make it over that peak.
2. Find a good subject
This would be worth a whole blog post in itself but I'll mention a few key things here.
I would advise against working to persuade someone to be your subject because I have never had particularly good results from doing this. More often than not they will be looking for the first opportunity to let you down gently by saying it isn't working.
Think differently; don't hunt for a subject, fish for one. Trust me, if you mention in passing to enough people that you know how to do hypnosis it will only be a matter of time before someone will ask you to hypnotise them. This is the person you want to work with.
If your reply to the above is that you've asked everyone you know and nobody wants to give it a try consider it a signal that you should be going out and broadening your circle of friends. After all, what use is this skill to you if you have nobody you can use it with?
Girlfriends/Boyfriends or family members can be the worst people to try on for the first time, so only use them if they are especially keen to try.
3. Be the hypnotist
This is the standard advice that anyone teaching hypnosis will give, with good reason of course because it is far more important than any technique you will ever learn as a hypnotist. Here's my spin on it.
It's completely possible learn an induction word for word and execute it by numbers absolutely perfectly yet have absolutely nothing will happen for the subject. If you find that this is happening for you repeatedly the chances are you are not being the hypnotist.
Hypnosis is a game of lead and follow; it's a dance. Yes knowing the steps is useful but your dance partner isn't going to follow your signal to metaphorically drop all their weight into your arms unless they are certain you can take their weight. They aren't going to cede their control over their situation to somebody who isn't themself clearly and confidently in control. This is what hypnotists mean when they talk about congruence, knowing the words but matching it with a confident tone of voice and body language. The best, if not the only, way to achieve congruence is through inner belief and confidence in what you are doing.
No method will ever hypnotise a subject; it's your undoubting belief that you are able to hypnotise the subject that hypnotises them. Learn the method, learn the principles, forget the method. Be the hypnotist.
4. You are going to fail
Don't believe what you see on youtube, not everybody is an amazing subject. You are going to come across people who just do not respond to you with hypnotic phenomena. If you get really, really good perhaps you'll achieve something like an 80% success rate in an impromptu setting. If you go to hypnotise people you are going to fail from time to time; it's inevitable. Deal with it.
Now cross out the word "fail". With the right mindset you cannot fail.
There's an expression, "sometimes you win, sometimes you learn". Success in finding a brilliant subject is a lot of fun but it's not a good teacher. Embrace the times when things don't go to plan because you will learn a lot from them. Ask your subject what they were thinking, what the experience was like, because you will start to spot patterns and improve your technique over time.
Also remember that as the hypnotist the chances are you are the only person who really knows what's going on and what's supposed to happen. Often the first sign observers and even your subject will get that something isn't quite going to plan is when you bring it to their attention. The best musicians get away with playing a wrong note by not missing a beat.
5. Have fun!
Finally if, like me, you're approaching this as a hobby for goodness sake remember that you are doing it for fun. Loosen up, relax and enjoy yourself; if you do your subject will too.
I hope this has been helpful. Part II to follow soon.
I've had a few friends who have looked at doing a bit of hypnosis, have read a book or two, or a hundred, on how to do it and yet still haven't hypnotised anybody. This is crucial, because to my mind nobody can call themself a hypnotist until they have actually hypnotised another person, in person; it's the distinction between being a hypnotist and being a person who knows a bit about hypnosis. I should say if your sole body of experience is hypnosis over MSN, or god forbid you're one of those people who has put put up a youtube video featuring only text or a computer generated voice, you are only a person who knows a bit about hypnosis.
Anyway, I was recently chatting with a friend who has yet to put her knowledge of hypnosis into action and she said that something that's bee a problem for her is knowing what to do next. She said what would really help her would be a routine to try, so I promised I would write something to encourage her to go forward with it.
So if you're one of these people who has learned about hypnosis but never (let's face it) worked up the nerve to go and give it a go with someone, this is for you. In this post I will give you some principles to think about, and then in the next I will give you an actual routine to go and try.
So, here is my advice to newbies.
1. Deal with your anxiety.
Do you know that feeling you get when you think you'd like to bring up your interest in hypnosis or ask someone to be your subject? That feeling of anxiety that comes up and makes it so easy to do nothing and let another opportunity slip through your fingers? Some news for you: this feeling will never go away. I would say that most or indeed every hypnotist gets this feeling, but what distinguishes them is an ability to act in the face of it.
A lot of people think they can overcome anxiety by learning more, or maybe they're just procrastinating. Either way I'm afraid this doesn't work. By all means keep reading, but understand that the only way you will get to hypnotise someone is by just getting on with it.
The best analogue for the feeling I can think of for me has been in the past when there's been an attractive woman I've wanted to go and talk to. Something that the pickup artist community puts about is the idea of the so-called three second rule - when you see her you have three seconds to go over to her or it's over before it's even begun. I think employing a similar principle with opportunities for hypnosis is a good idea. In the moment don't give yourself time to think; have a routine ready so you know where to start; go straight in.
I mean it! Don't think, GO!
The good news is that this feeling is a peak not a plateau. If you can face it and climb over it you will find yourself coasting down the other side. Once over the top you'll be on what B.A. Baracas used to call "The Jazz" and trust me for that feeling alone it's worth it. Learn to embrace your anxiety as a positive sign that you're pushing the bounds of your comfort zone. It's the time for full speed ahead because if you backpedal or even coast for just a moment you will never have the momentum to make it over that peak.
2. Find a good subject
This would be worth a whole blog post in itself but I'll mention a few key things here.
I would advise against working to persuade someone to be your subject because I have never had particularly good results from doing this. More often than not they will be looking for the first opportunity to let you down gently by saying it isn't working.
Think differently; don't hunt for a subject, fish for one. Trust me, if you mention in passing to enough people that you know how to do hypnosis it will only be a matter of time before someone will ask you to hypnotise them. This is the person you want to work with.
If your reply to the above is that you've asked everyone you know and nobody wants to give it a try consider it a signal that you should be going out and broadening your circle of friends. After all, what use is this skill to you if you have nobody you can use it with?
Girlfriends/Boyfriends or family members can be the worst people to try on for the first time, so only use them if they are especially keen to try.
3. Be the hypnotist
This is the standard advice that anyone teaching hypnosis will give, with good reason of course because it is far more important than any technique you will ever learn as a hypnotist. Here's my spin on it.
It's completely possible learn an induction word for word and execute it by numbers absolutely perfectly yet have absolutely nothing will happen for the subject. If you find that this is happening for you repeatedly the chances are you are not being the hypnotist.
Hypnosis is a game of lead and follow; it's a dance. Yes knowing the steps is useful but your dance partner isn't going to follow your signal to metaphorically drop all their weight into your arms unless they are certain you can take their weight. They aren't going to cede their control over their situation to somebody who isn't themself clearly and confidently in control. This is what hypnotists mean when they talk about congruence, knowing the words but matching it with a confident tone of voice and body language. The best, if not the only, way to achieve congruence is through inner belief and confidence in what you are doing.
No method will ever hypnotise a subject; it's your undoubting belief that you are able to hypnotise the subject that hypnotises them. Learn the method, learn the principles, forget the method. Be the hypnotist.
4. You are going to fail
Don't believe what you see on youtube, not everybody is an amazing subject. You are going to come across people who just do not respond to you with hypnotic phenomena. If you get really, really good perhaps you'll achieve something like an 80% success rate in an impromptu setting. If you go to hypnotise people you are going to fail from time to time; it's inevitable. Deal with it.
Now cross out the word "fail". With the right mindset you cannot fail.
There's an expression, "sometimes you win, sometimes you learn". Success in finding a brilliant subject is a lot of fun but it's not a good teacher. Embrace the times when things don't go to plan because you will learn a lot from them. Ask your subject what they were thinking, what the experience was like, because you will start to spot patterns and improve your technique over time.
Also remember that as the hypnotist the chances are you are the only person who really knows what's going on and what's supposed to happen. Often the first sign observers and even your subject will get that something isn't quite going to plan is when you bring it to their attention. The best musicians get away with playing a wrong note by not missing a beat.
5. Have fun!
Finally if, like me, you're approaching this as a hobby for goodness sake remember that you are doing it for fun. Loosen up, relax and enjoy yourself; if you do your subject will too.
I hope this has been helpful. Part II to follow soon.
Movie clip
This is a clip from the film "My best friend's girl". It's not quite hypnosis but the psycology behind it intrigues me. Anyone who has read about attraction will instantly recognise what is going on here. It's David DeAngelo's concept of Cocky & Funny as an extreme sport.
It's also hilarious!
I love Kate Hudson because she's portrayed some really good characters over the years.
It's also hilarious!
I love Kate Hudson because she's portrayed some really good characters over the years.
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