The Year of Making Love

Disclaimer: Because I have signed a contract with Fever Media, please note that the views expressed in this article are my own. I aim to document the day I experienced in a manner which Fever Media have encouraged from the start.

2012 is the year of making love, or so I am told.

I should explain. This weekend I went to an event organised by Fever Media, a subcontractor for BBC3, that is intended as the kick off to a TV series about matchmaking and the early stages of relationships, called "The year of making love". The premise is that they'd get single men and women to take an online compatibility test, then 500 of each would be invited to an event where they would meet the partner the system had paired them up with.

I have to be honest I am extremely skeptical about the idea of matching people through any kind of science. I think that how to attract and be with someone in a relationship is something you have to learn through experience, through going out, learning what you want and making all the important mistakes. I don't think it's something you can calculate your way to instantly.

That said, there was no way that I could hear about this and not jump at the opportunity to give it a try. Opportunity is the word, because I'm not going to be free and single for ever and so I believe in doing things like this when I can, because I can. If nothing else it would be a fun and interesting day out.

So, Saturday morning found me arriving at the Millbrook Proving Ground for this event, in the knowledge that I would be meeting my "perfect match" that day. Millbrook is actually a site that's mostly used for testing cars, and has featured on episodes of Top Gear more than a few times. This in itself was exciting enough for me as I followed the "follow me" van through a maze of test tracks to an exhibition centre on the far side of the site where the event would be held.

I was half expecting to see Jeremy Clarkson to come screaming past at the wheel of a rocket propelled milk float or something similar.

In any case, I had been told to arrive between and 9am and 10:30am, and I was quite surprised, rolling up in my car at 9:30, that the place seemed so incredibly quiet. Nevertheless, I walked straight up to the desk, got registered, ringed by a band on my wrist like a racing pigeon, and got sat down with some of the other guys who had arrived at about the same time to wait. There were a couple of lads from Sheffield, a guy who'd come down from Birmingham, and another who had come all the way up from Devon the day before.

As we sat and chatted the time away, camera crews flitted between us, selecting people, seemingly at random, to interview either on the spot or to take away and interview elsewhere. Amongst all of this, a lady called Cherry Healey (who I've never heard of before but apparently my Mum's a fan) was also wandering around with an orbital crew of production staff, sound men and cameras, looking particularly glamourous.

The "green" (male) waiting room at 11am. It was still very quiet.
I ended up on camera quite early on, and as it happens completely by accident. Some of the guys I was sat with had brought gifts for their date. One guy had brought a massive bunch of flowers outsized only by the accompanying cliché factor, and also a Manchester United shirt. Another guy had brought a little teddy bear with him, which I thought was a really sweet gesture. So by means of a joke I started looking through my bag for something that would constitute a legitimate romantic gift, remarking that a half empty pack of sainsbury's decongestant tablets, a pair of 3D glasses, a laser pointer a friend had lent me and a small notebook didn't quite measure up.

So inevitably the last remaining item, my trusty pack of cards, came out at this point, and as we'd been waiting for about three hours I decided to entertain everybody with a few card tricks. I was surprised at how well this went down, and even more surprised when a few minutes later a guy came over from another table and asked me to go over and entertain them too. Over I went, as there was no way I would turn down the opportunity to have that kind of fun.

So again, out came the cards and I went into what is, by now, quite a well practiced routine. It was as my tricks at this table started to draw a crowd that it dawned on me that this wasn't going to go un-noticed. I managed to get through a trick and a half before a cameraman and one of the production team showed up, clipped a microphone to my waistcoat and shoved a camera in my face. A little frustrating, because this seemed to scare away much of my audience. They had me perform another couple of tricks and then started asking me whether I would be performing these tricks for my date.

I found it a bit tricky to answer the questions, because I was told not to look into the camera but instead look at the lady from the production staff. This was difficult because firstly she wasn't saying anything, just smiling sweetly at me, and secondly because if I'm honest she was really quite cute. Anyway, I muddled through by saying that I wasn't planning on trying to woo my date with card tricks I was just passing the time and having fun.

By this time the coaches, who it seems were carrying the majority of the contestants, had finally arrived and there was an enormous queue of people waiting to be checked in by the now rather beleaguered looking registration staff. It was clear things were taking a little longer than was expected.

Finally, by about mid-afternoon we were all directed into the studio, which had been set up nearby. Men were seated on one side, women on the other, with an aisle down the middle. The warm up man came on, had us record some canned applause for the cameras, and then the format of the act was explained to us. We would be called up by the numbers on our wristbands to go and stand behind screens to either side of the stage. When it was our turn we would walk out onto the stage to see our partner walking toward us. We'd have 15 seconds to greet them and then we were to walk off stage together up the aisle. Quite a nerve-wracking prospect in a room with a thousand people in it.

Cherry came up on stage to explain all of this to the cameras, complete with encouraged "oohs" and "aahs" from the audience.

The "school disco" seating plan. Men on one side, women on the other.

As I sat there it began to dawn on me how out of place I felt in quite a few ways, I can at least say I'm in my twenties for the next few months but most of the men sat around me were in their early twenties or even teens. They also seemed very outgoing and loud. A lot of them, I gleaned from the conversation around me, were just there because they were desperate to get on TV. I wondered just who was sitting on the other side of the aisle waiting to meet me. I hoped that the matching process was good enough that she was finding herself feeling the same way.

The first numbers were called up, and then the first couple walked out onto the stage and into each others arms, to the applause of the crowd. They kissed each other on the cheek and walked hand in hand down the aisle. Then the next couple, and the next. Things were progressing very slowly, but at least they started to speed up as it went on.

It was with some relief that I observed that most of the couples seemed to suit each other quite well. The few thirty-something guys in suits seemed to be meeting smartly turned out intelligent looking young women. The young ones dressed as though for a nightclub were being neatly paired off too. One guy actually came up on stage having left his shirt behind, and he was paired off with a woman in plastic clubwear, which was a fitting match I thought.

The guy sat next to me could only shout out a verbal diarrhea of how hot he thought each woman who came down the aisle was and what he'd do to her, and then he'd jump up and turn around to declare to the world what he thought of her arse. That got old quickly. I only wished they'd pair him up quickly so he could go away and tell his partner just what he thought of her behind and not us.

The audience reactions in general made the day worthwhile I thought. Couple after couple went up and each got their own response from the watching masses, usually very positive. One guy greeted his match by going down on one knee and kissing her hand, to rapturous applause. Some guys got high fives as they came down the aisle by guys who thought they'd done well. There were even three guys sat ahead of me who stood up and saluted each man who passed them with what they considered a worthy prize.

One guy quietly punched the air in triumph as he led his gorgeous partner from the stage, to the delight of the audience.

On a few occasions the guy refused to take the woman's hand or touch her, which I thought was a shame and not in the spirt of things at all. These couples got boos from the audience, until we were all requested not to. I felt really sorry for the women in these moments, after that massive buildup.

I also thought it was a wonderful statement that some of the meeting couples were in fact same-sex, and the way in which the audience applauded them especially loudly was heart warming.

At the same time as all of this I could feel the tension in the pit of my stomach. It was either that or the fact I'd only eaten a sandwich all day and it was already late afternoon. Numbers were being called out, but some were being skipped. When would they call me? Would they call me?

Then they called out my number and in a blur I made my way up to the screens, the guys on my row patting my back as I went. I made smalltalk with the other guys who were also waiting to go on stage. A technician came over and attached a microphone to my shirt. I mused that this must be, to some extent, what it would be like to be a public figure, to have production people milling around you getting you ready whilst your mind was focused on what you were about to do.

The line of guys stood ahead of me were going up on stage one by one. None of us could see what was going on, all we could hear was the reaction of the crowd as each stepped up to meet his match. Two guys ahead of me there was an uproar from the crowd, something had obviously happened, but I had no idea what. It only served to build up the tension even more.

The guy ahead of me went up and again there was a reaction from the crowd. Gasps, then laughs, then finally a cheer. I still don't know why; I was stood behind the line on the floor still behind the screen with no view of the stage. My turn next.

The host who had been calling out the numbers checked my wrist band number and nodded. It was time.

Eyes closed.

Breathe.

"Couple two hundred and forty"

It's one of those moments where things progress in a dream-like state because there is too much to take in at once. I floated out from behind the screen and out onto the stage. I was looking for my partner, for my first glimpse of her. I couldn't see the audience even though they were right there but I could feel them, the sound of the applause was everywhere and washing right through me.

Then I saw her. She was walking toward me across the stage. Not at all what I had expected, but she was cute no doubt about that. Her smile flew across the stage at me and I could feel its warmth make my own smile widen involuntarily. So this was it, this was really her. And then we were stood there together in the middle of the stage, just the two of us.

I knew what I wanted to do in this moment, twirl her around and step in under my own arm as she came around so her hand ended up on my shoulder. I must have done it a hundred times before but here on stage it didn't work at first. I felt the awkwardness as though it was a buffet from the crowd. Keep calm and carry on. Around she went, her hand landed on my shoulder, I looked into her eyes and said a rather wooden "Hi, nice to meet you".

And then I was leading her down the aisle. I looked ahead but my focus was still on her, I couldn't see the audience who were just feet away to either side.

"I bet you've been planning that all morning" she said.

"Meh, just the last five minutes." I replied.

Then there was the very romantic pause as we got mobbed by two different techs who had the audacity to demand their microphones back. Then we were released from the madness of the studio back into the waiting area where the champagne was waiting.

As I recall this part of the day I recall such a sudden contrast, to go from the whole morning of waiting surrounded by groups of men to being one-on-one with an attractive woman.

We went off to find a sofa to sit and get to know one another...

My wrist band, which I removed after I got home.

I should say a few things about the aftermath.

My experience of the day was awesome. I met some interesting new people, had fun stepping up to play magician on a couple of occasions, had one of the most terrifying and yet exhilarating experiences of my life stepping up on stage, and at the end of it all met a lovely young woman.

I know some of the people who were there, well quite a few actually, have quite vocally gone on twitter an Facebook to declare how much of a disaster the day was. Many were not happy with their matches at all, and apparently after I left things in the studio went downhill as many were left unmatched, people were starting to leave because it was getting late and it had been a very long time since proceedings in the studio had begun. And of course some people had come a long way in coaches only to be disappointed.

I can sympathise with this to some extent, but I am a little bit sick of hearing all this moaning about how bad the day was. I went along to this event because it sounded like fun. I didn't have any expectations of the woman I would meet there, other than being curious to see who I was put with. I didn't pay a penny for the experience, save for the cost of driving there.

That's an important point; ultimately to those of us participating this day was a freebie. I have gone on speed dating evenings and found myself wondering why I paid £30 because not one of the women there remotely interested me. Worse, I've gone on speed dating evenings where I've really fancied just one girl with whom I thought I had really great chemistry, only for her to jump into the lap of the guy who was sat next to me. They're still dating and he's a top bloke too; the bastard.

My point is that these things happen.

Organising an event like this one is by no means an easy task, especially if it's never been done before. But, the organisers got all those people there, sat them in a studio, showed them some live drama on stage even if they weren't able to participate themselves, introduced them to a bunch of new people they would never otherwise have met, and got them home safely. For free.

Is that bad value for money?

Would anything else these people could have done that day made for a more interesting story to tell their mates at the pub?

Anyway, it's all said and done now.

The show is apparently set to go out next year in six, one hour episodes. I will post details here when that happens. Who knows, my bad card trick may even make the edit. Hah!

(For another viewpoint of the day's events, you can read Martyn Standering's story here. He was the guy with the teddy bear.)

My Sex Robot

Last night I watched a documentary on YouTube called "My Sex Robot". It was about the men who have developed a sexual fetish around the idea of a machine as a sexual companion, or even a romantic companion. I actually found it pretty fascinating to watch, partly because I can relate to it a little myself.

I have been alone for a large proportion of my of post-adolescant life and there have been times where a surrogate partner, if only for sexual release, has seemed like a very appealing idea. The thing is though that more recently I have real trouble seeing quite how a robot can ever meet what it is I truly desire, nor give me the kind of pleasure I get from meeting real women.

The show actually featured an academic who said that there are a lot of people who are lonely and frustrated and having robots for those people can only make the world better.

I cannot disagree more.

What it all seemed to come down to was a question of the self esteem these people have. It was the idea that an artificial partner would be completely incapable of judging or rejecting you. I found this expressed particularly well by one of the men interviewed when he talked about his obsession with shop mannequins. He said that because they were lifeless they wouldn't react, and "no reaction is better than a negative one".

What's missing here is an understanding that it doesn't have to be this way for any of these people. Self esteem isn't a finite resource like oil or gas, or indeed like money, it is one that can be grown and nurtured out of nothing. My own experience of working on my own sense of self esteem has been that as it has grown the world has become a progressively more friendly and accepting place.

People are, for the most part, warm and welcoming. It's extraordinary.

Once you start to get a taste of this different world, one where you can walk up to a group of strangers and they will smile at you, accept you, be interested about you and tell you about themselves, the thought of spending a night in with a robot starts to lose its appeal. There is so much emotion conveyed in conversation with another human being and there would be none of that with a robot that had anything short of human levels of intelligence. But if you could build a machine like that you get into all sorts of ethical questions. If this machine is as intelligent as you doesn't it also deserve the same freedoms as you? Such freedoms would no doubt include the freedom to leave you.

For some reason I am reminded here of that TV series The Outer Limits where every other week the plot was basically: man builds machine; man has sex with machine; machine becomes self aware; man rejects machine; machine tries to destroy the world. A natural story progression.

Anyway, coming back to the issue, as I see it what this hinges on is that there are a lot of men out there who are just unable to connect with women. This is sad, because the guys who want a robot because it won't reject them have no idea just how receptive women really are. Out of fear they are rejecting women before they've even given women a chance to connect with them.

Learning to be an easy socialiser, which is, I think, the linchpin to having attractive women in ones life is not an overnight transition but it is something that anybody who commits themselves to can realistically achieve. It does take effort, but it is worth it.

Likewise the only way to consistently attract the women you want, as a man, is to risk rejection. This is the only way. If you are unprepared to take that risk you cannot expect to reap the rewards of female attention, companionship and, yes, sex.

I really don't think that a futuristic sex toy is the solution all those lonely men out there really want. They are just unaware that they can take steps to become the men that the lonely women (let's not forget them!) want to meet. That or they are too scared to apply themselves to it. Either way this is not something that technology will solve; quite the opposite in fact. What it really needs is the old fashioned low-tech process of learning to love oneself and connect with other human beings.

Raise the stakes

I had a moment recently that in many ways was one of these so called life changing events. Well, that said, it was more one of those moments that brought me to a realisation about my life purpose and my passion.

To set the scene, last weekend I was at Regent's College in London. A friend of mine, John P. Morgan, who I know through the London Hynosis Meets runs a company called The Magnetic Man and asked me if I'd like to go along to his first big seminar. John's passion in life is to help people connect with each other, and in particular to help men connect with women; it's a sort of antidote to the PUA approach to meeting women. I'm really glad I went actually, partly because the seminar itself was inspirational, but also because of something else that happened.

When we stopped for lunch, and we all made our way down the the cafeteria, John suggested to us all that we might take the opportunity to just practice talking to as many people as possible.

This was an amazing exercise. It might sound silly, but because I'd been chatting to some of the other participants about card tricks before the seminar began I wasn't going to be the guy who has said he's a bit of a card magician and a hypnotist and then have to say after lunch that I hadn't gone up and talked to any strangers.

I munched my way through a plate of chicken with pasta in carbonara sauce as I listened to the conversation of the other guys from the seminar I had sat with. They they were talking about PUA boot camps and training afternoons they'd been to; basically workshops to help guys approach women.

Great, I thought, if I listen to any more of this it's going to be far more difficult than it needs to be.

I spotted a likely looking group of people standing in the ever lengthening lunch queue, grabbed a pack of cards, stood up and wandered over.

"Hi guys, I can see you're queuing for dinner, sorry to interrupt but I'd like to show you a magic trick."

They were actually friendly enough, and quite intrigued, as indeed most people are when you wave something fantastical like magic or hypnosis under their nose. I ran through several of my usual basic tricks, thanked them for being a good audience and moved on up the ever lengthening queue stopping another couple of times to perform more tricks. It was a great place to find people who really didn't mind being entertained.

It was as I reached the beginning of the queue that I spotted three young women sitting down at a little round table. Right, I thought, time to try something a bit more intimidating.

"Excuse me," I said, wandering over, "I only have a minute or two but I'd really like to show you a few magic tricks"

They were quite pretty, but a bit young; I'd guess at 18-20 years old. They nodded their interest so I grabbed a nearby chair and, planting it so I'd be sitting with the char back between my legs, settled down to begin my routine.

I started with my favourite opening trick, which is topsy turvy cards. It's quite spectacular really, making half of the deck appear to magically flip over inside the deck. The girls were intrigued by this so I singled out one of them and moved on to another good trick, the poker player's picnic. This is an awesome self-worker of a trick in which the person you're performing to cuts the deck into four piles to discover that all of the top cards are aces. It's always fun to accuse them of having cheated unconsciously and say that you'll never play poker with them.

From the point of view of a magician this is all mechanical. The real magic happened for me with with my next and final trick called Design for Laughter. In this trick the magician appears to have gone horribly wrong but continues unaware of his mistake. I love this trick because it is a wonderful source of drama. This was something I was able to enhance further by using something I'd learned the week before on a creative writing class I've been taking. You see, something that fascinates me is the relationship between hypnosis, magic and story telling. As I see it, a magic trick is in essence a story, albeit a short one, and the same principles apply. Likewise all the best stories have a hypnotic effect on the people they are told to.

So, with this in mind when I performed this trick I incorporated a principle I have recently learned about story writing, which is that one has to build up tension, but do so in stages. I started the trick with a "hey, this should work" attitude, and escalated things over the course of the trick to the point where my entire reputation as a magician was riding on what happened next.

This was when I experienced one of the most profound moments. I was looking into the eyes of the girl I was performing the trick to, right at the moment when the tension peaked, and I saw her eyes widen. I have always found women's eyes to be beautiful and incredibly expressive but this time it was even more so. This time I could tell, I could feel from her, that she was going through a strong emotional experience. The amazing thing wasn't just that though, I was leading her through a strong emotional experience.

Nothing stronger than when I revealed her card showing I was right after all and I got screams of "Oh my god!"

This is why I love performing magic, I love being able to give those kinds of experiences. Not just that though, it's why I love writing, doing hypnosis, telling stories, dancing. It's why I love sex.

About a year ago I decided that I needed to define my raison d'être; I need to know what my purpose in this world is. The shortest version I could come up with was "To create and to share". It might sound like a cheesy corporate slogan, but I think it's true to say that the best moments of my life, the times when I have felt most fulfilled, have been when I have been true to the ideals of that statement.

I cannot wait to see where else it can take me.

Islands of reality

There's a phenomenon I have become increasingly aware of, and which today I put a name to. If like me you are into self development, or rather you find that self development is an inevitable consequence of finding new levels of fun and general awesomeness in ones life, I'm sure this might be familiar to you.

When you become a hypnotist one thing that starts to become eminently clear is that everybody's reality is a subjective one, and is based upon their set of beliefs. This is why, on any controversial matter of opinion, you'll find that everybody is absolutely factually correct. If you don't believe me on this, just ask them.

Where this gets interesting is that people of similar opinions and outlooks will tend to seek each other out, cluster together and, not only that, through their interactions strengthen their own world views. "Everybody I've spoken to thinks the death penalty is common sense", "I haven't met anybody who thinks that a 20mph speed limit is reasonable", "Getting an Apple computer is a huge rip off, everybody I speak to on my PC support web forum agrees on that". We like to be right, and it feels comforting to be around people who we think are just like us and confirm what we already know.

We absorb our reality from the people we spend time with; we soak it up like a sponge just through our daily interactions. We can refer to the people you are regularly around in this way as one's "reference group" and they are incredibly important when it comes to your personal development.

What if up until now in your life you'd always had the same sort of friends, been around the same sort of people in school, maybe university, and in work. What will that do to shape your reality? Granted you won't be exactly like all of these people, but in many respects you are living on the same social island, the same island of reality as them. You will share their limiting beliefs too.

But now we come to you, dear reader, because I hope that you, like me, understand that you are responsible for generating your own model of reality. If you don't understand this simple truism you will find that your model of reality is at the mercy of your circumstances and often dictated by other people, and this really isn't a good thing.

So all of a sudden you realise that this isn't how it has to be, and that if you tailor your model of reality to what you want to do, what you want to be, you can push the boundaries and take your life wherever you want it to go. Furthermore, why not seek out other reference groups to spend time with, people from whom you can absorb beliefs and behaviours you'd really like to have.

This is when life starts to get exciting, but it's not without its challenges. One of the biggest of these challenges is facing what happens when you leave the island to go on this adventure, because when you return things will be different.

Let me give you an example. I recently went to a wedding; the couple were some friends of mine from a long time ago, and of course most of the guests I knew there were friends from that era. I've been at parties with these predominantly quiet and shy individuals before, and I've always been quite comfortably one of the crowd.

This time, however, I didn't want to sit quietly and talk to friends all evening, then maybe get up and dance with the group later. Oh no. After the bride and groom had started the first dance and the dance floor started to fill up with couples I spotted a pretty young woman who was obviously there on her own, walked over and asked her to dance.

I ask lots of women to dance every week. Quite deliberately I've chosen to live in a world where approaching women and asking them to dance in full confidence they'll say yes is the done thing; it's normal. So I was quite able to invite this woman into my reality.

The looks I was getting from my old friends were startling. Nobody knew quite what to make of it, because to them it just isn't what happens.

How the hell did he do that? Can he really just do that?

I could sense discomfort and in some respects I felt as though I'd brought an elephant into the room which everybody was far too polite to talk about.

I was recently listening to a recording of a talk given by a hypnotist by the name of Mark Cunningham and he used a phrase "disturbing the consensual reality" which sums the situation I have described above here perfectly I think. Sometimes it will just shock people, but in some cases it can even cause resentment.

People live their lives inside cages of their own devising. Learning to spot your cages and escape them, I believe, is the best and only way to a truly fulfilling life. At the same time be prepared for the natives to get restless.

"I'm no good at that"

Following on from my last post about magic I feel I should talk a little bit about incompetence.

I am reminded of a comment I once heard one of my favourite songwriters come out with many years ago now. Sharon Corr, who is a solo artist these days but was best known as the violinist from The Corrs, was talking about the business of writing music for the band to play. Whilst I forget the exact wording the pearl of wisdom she conveyed was that the thing about song writing is that when you start writing the songs you write aren't very good, but if you keep writing they do get better over time.

It may sound like the most obvious statement in the world, and yet I think that there is a truism about the human experience here that so many people completely miss throughout their entire lives.

I'm thinking, as an example now, of what most people say when I suggest they try dancing.

"Oh no," the usual response goes, "I'm no good at dancing, I have two left feet."

Well really? You've not danced much or at all before and you are stating the fact that you don't think you're any good at it as a reason not to have a go.

How, if I may ask, would you be any good at dancing if you've never done it?! Really?

As with most things, the people who are good at dancing are the people who have danced, and have danced a lot. At some point in the past they were not very good at dancing, just like you. What makes them different? Well, they stuck with it long enough to become good.

Here's the lesson:

If you want to be good at something be prepared to be very bad at it.

I think it's important to get away from this attitude toward "talent" that seems to be all pervasive in our society. This notion that exceptional ability is a gift that's given indiscriminately to a lucky few, as opposed to a competence that is earned through persistence.

The bad news is that being exceptional doesn't drop out of the sky and into your lap. The good news is that being exceptional doesn't drop out of the sky and into anybody else's lap either. Yes some people may start slightly ahead and have an easier ride due to circumstances and more resources at their disposal, but long term the one thing that will make all the difference is your attitude. With the right attitude you will always have the advantage.

Afraid you won't be a good hypnotist when you try with your first subject? Guess what, you won't be! Keep at it though and soon enough you will.

I am at present enjoying developing my fledgling skills as a magician. I am not a brilliant magician. I have come to accept that every so often my "is this your card?" will be met with a blank look and a shaking of the head. Heck, I had a day a couple of weeks ago where I did four tricks in a row and none of them worked! The one thing I can tell you for certain is that it will happen again, I will fail, and not least because as I improve my skills I will constantly be trying to execute more difficult tricks.

Push your boundaries or they will never move and you won't grow as a person. Don't just do the things you can do; do the things you can't.

"Dancing? I've never done anything like that before and it really wouldn't have occurred to me to try... Sounds like fun! Let's go!"

If you need any more inspiration, take a look at this:
Step outside your comfort zone and study yourself failing

Faith

Another day, another comment on Facebook written by a fellow atheist taking a dig at religion.

This time: "Science flies you to the moon; religion flies you into buildings"

Years ago I may have applauded along with the crowd at such a comment but nowadays I sigh at how my left-brained friends manage to so completely miss the point, which is one about belief.

Now, I'm agnostic; I see no evidence for the existence of a supreme being so I do not believe in one, but at the same I cannot disprove the existence of one either (if that sounds wishy-washy to you bear in mind I have a similar stance on the subject of the easter bunny).

Where I part company with many of my other godless friends is that I think that a life without faith is likely to be empty and unfulfilling. I just personally don't agree with religious faith.

To explain, as a hypnotist I feel I have more than a little insight into the human mind's capacity for belief. Let's face it, we're all capable of unquestioningly believing crazy things, evolution has wired us up that way, and the most impressive thing about belief is the way that it affects the nature of reality. I don't think that any kind of thinking is going to affect the objective universe, such as allow people to use telekinesis to unbend corkscrews, open a channel of communication to the deceased or make deities pop into objective existence, but bear in mind that none of us actually lives in an objective universe. You, and everybody you meet, live in a subjective universe, which is just your mind's interpretation of what your senses are telling you.

You are responsible for generating your perception of reality.

To the faithless the only way to think is one where belief follows evidence. This is fine if you want to work out something objective, such as calculate the age of the universe, but I think it's important to realise there are other areas in life where the scientific mindset doesn't have all the answers and can actually lead to mediocrity and misery. Those all too real entities in our worlds such as confidence, happiness, fulfillment are not objective quantities.

Faith, to me, is to place belief before evidence. Successful people, happy people, achievers, don't look for evidence that they will be successful, happy or get what they want; rather they believe it first. When we believe something our mind and body work overtime in thousands of imperceptible ways to make that thing true for us. This is why, for example, athletes will actually spend time just imagining perfect performance.

I think that a little faith is missing from a lot of peoples' lives. There are too many people waiting for evidence of the things they want from life so that they can then believe that they can have them, and in doing so they place the cart before the horse.

Faith

Faith and relationships

Here's an example that's been on my mind for the last few days.

I recently read a book entitled He's just not that into you by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo (two of the minds behind Sex and the City). It's a self-help book aimed at women wanting to understand men, but I was curious to get a bit of perspective and indeed a lot of it could apply to both sexes. It covers all sorts of different situations that might come up but there is a common theme, which is that there are times when by far the best thing to do is to cut the guy loose and move on.

This is a lot easier to say than to do of course, for both men and women, because this scene is set against the backdrop of what I've heard called, rather aptly, "the great emotional depression". This is a concept I read about in a book called If I'm so wonderful why am I still single? by Susan Page (both of these volumes reside on my allocated "scare women away" bookshelf). Page comes to a similar conclusion as Behrendt, that people perceive their own self-worth to be so low and good partners to be in such short supply that they stay in better-than-nothing relationships lest they never find anyone else. Low self esteem everywhere; it's like the economic depression of the 1930s except it's not money that's not circulating freely, it's singles.

A lot of my friends are couples and when two people are really good for one another there's a chemistry that I think is just wonderful to see and this somehow transcends my jealousy. They remind me why I am single.

There are no two ways about it, being single is very difficult at times but there are worse things than being single. There is, for example, being in a relationship that isn't going anywhere and yet holding on in hope that there is a future, somehow things will get better, or kidding oneself that this is as good as it's ever going to get. The problem is that this isn't so apparent from the inside; it's very difficult to admit to oneself that there are no butterflies and that low self esteem is at least partly responsible for cementing a relationship together.

I know lukewarm better-than-nothing relationships can be comfortable but the terrible truth is this: whilst someone is invested in such mediocrity one they are closing themselves off to finding something truly amazing. That person with the capacity to truly melt their heart may just show up, see they're unavailable, sigh, shrug shoulders and move on to pastures new without them even realising.

This is where we come back to faith; to choose to be single in todays world is a massive leap of faith. It's about knowing what you want, what you truly desire, and believing without question that somewhere out there at some point in the future you will find it. Keeping the faith through the inevitable lonely evenings is difficult; keeping it in the face of romantic opportunities that are admittedly agreeable but fall short of ones needs is even more difficult.

There's no way to prove that special person is out there; it's about having faith.

Faith in oneself

Heraclitus, a greek philosopher, once said "Character is Destiny".

The people who live truly remarkable lives suffer the same setbacks and circumstances as anyone. What makes these people different? Well the difference comes from inside of them in the form of their set of beliefs.

I think it's important to decide who you are and where you want to go with your life, be it in your career, relationships, or any other goals.

If you believe, truly believe, that you can achieve great things your mind and body will move mountains to make this true. If you decide that it is in your character you will put yourself out there, get the knowledge, take the risks, make the mistakes, earn the experience and learn the lessons to get where you want to go.

The way to a great destiny is through character and a great character comes through belief.

Faith is a wonderful thing.

Why I love to Jive

Today I have been in London attending a workshop and it's brought me to understand a number of concepts, which I would like to share.

Readers of this blog will have noticed that I like to bring in references to other activities that I have participated in. Part of this is because I believe that a broad range of very different skills are worth more than the sum of its parts, but I also think it is true to say that an understanding of hypnosis is something that greatly enriches ones understanding of all aspects of life.

Something that has always been true of me is that I like to embrace completely new challenges from time to time. A few years ago I had a conversation with a co-worker about his interest in modern jive dancing. When, back in November, I found myself wanting to find new things to do with my time, and because dancing was definitely not me, as in not the sort of thing I'd ever even considered doing before, I of course threw myself straight into it.

If not modern jive, I can definitely recommend this attitude to life.

I also make no secret of the fact that meeting women played no small part in my motivation. As with most people whose vocation in life lies with engineering, the physical sciences or computers, my relationship with attractive young women has in the past been as a man lost in the desert's relationship with water. Meeting lots of women in an environment where the only agenda is to have fun has only been a good thing for me.

So how does modern jive relate to hypnosis? Well, I experienced a moment during the workshop today that connected so many dots it took me a couple of hours to trace all the lines. Hypnosis, trance, the subconscious and attraction all tied together, and it's beautiful.

You see as it's a partner dance one person, the man, leads and the other, the woman, follows. The link to hypnosis came out of the moment when the guy teaching the course started to demonstrate some of the more advanced concepts of lead and follow with his assistant. She was a gorgeous young woman with a wonderful petite figure, short brown hair and shining blue eyes, but the most impressive thing about her was the way she moved because it was so smooth and elegant, especially the way her hips swayed as she transfered her weight from foot to foot. She'd been dancing for five years, actually had "To live... Is to dance" tattooed on her forearm, and every movement of her body seemed so easy and natural.

It was when the teacher took her hand and started showing the men how to lead, however, that the hypnotist inside me woke up. "Oh my goodness" it said "she's going into trance". It was as plain as day, the shift in mental state was all over her face; I know that look and I'd recognise it anywhere! She was looking at the teacher with a blank receptive expression, her eyes locked on him, as her body responded to the instructions his hands gave her: forward; back; spin left; spin right. Obviously over years of dancing she has reached a point where no conscious input is required, she knows the cues and the subconscious responds making her body move as though on autopilot.

So firstly we have what every person who enjoys exercise has, which is a trance state. Secondly she is being purely feminine: she doesn't have to think along a timeline; she doesn't have to think about anything spacial; she can live and express herself in the moment. Finally we have the kind of sexual polarity that David Deida talks about between masculine and feminie that exists in the dance state (pardon the pun). Feminity is balanced against the masculinity of her dance partner who confidently leads the way into the next move and is always there to catch her.

No wonder she loves dancing!

A nice little showcase of this kind of lead and follow comes in an exercise that beginners to modern jive are shown. Partners stand facing each other and place their palms against the palms of their partner with just a little bit of pressure. The follower's role is to maintain that pressure and to move in whatever way is necessary to do so. The leader is thus able to move their partner around just by moving their own hands. The result feels exactly the same as a hypnotic hand stick and I guess a lot of the principles are the same. For the follower it's about agreeing to be led (not controlled; led) and going with it. If they really trust you, as the leader you can get them to close their eyes, lead them backward, forward, turn them in either direction and, if you're feeling particularly mischievous, without warning deposit them into the nearest sofa.

Before you ask yes I have been tempted to weave in a little hypnosis into that exercise, and I will probably at some point come up with a routine based on it.

Anyway, coming back to the hot assistant and her dance trance, so many things about what I find attractive in women slotted into place too. I have always found a woman's eyes to be the outward feature I find most attractive and I always know when a woman has had an impact on me because I have a lingering impression of her eye colour; it's possibly the closest thing I've ever had to synesthesia. Anyway I always thought my affinity for eyes was because they express personality and intelligence, and of course they do, but now I think there's more to it than that. I think that what I am seeing and being attracted to, certain looks and expressions, is an expression of something that is deeply feminine; that receptive almost entranced look especially.

Yes I did dance with that girl at the workshop. It was a lot of fun but my word was it intimidating. Asking "how did I do?" most unattractively after running through new moves was something that I found most difficult, although she did give me some very useful pointers on technique.

Going back to attraction a month or so ago following a conversation with a female friend who was having trouble finding men she was attracted to I wanted to see if there was any material out there that was the female equivalent of David DeAngelo's Double your Dating. I came across an ebook that seems to be exactly that called Sensuality Secrets written by a woman called Patty Contenta, and it turns out that she is a ballroom dance teacher. I actually found it fascinating because the emphasis is entirely different to all the material out there for men as it focuses on posture and body language, which I guess reflects how different the sense of attractiveness is to men and women.

My friend's reaction was interesting though, because she commented that a lot of the Sensuality Secrets stuff, from the preview material on the website, just comes across as being subservient. This came at around about the same time as a friend's girlfriend, who is a feminist, commented that I shouldn't be approaching women and taking it for granted I will be leading the dance, rather I should be asking them if they would like me to. I think these are responses that are indicative of the difficulties facing men in the modern era. Women are so empowered nowadays and some would even say women are so independent that they don't need men any more. What is our role supposed to be if we are no longer the breadwinners and the head of the household?

Personally I happen to think that women need men more than ever in the modern age. Women need men in order to be women, just as night cannot exist without day. It's all about polarity, and there is no escaping the behaviours and desires that evolution gave us. I think the independence and equality women have today is a very good thing; I actually find myself most attracted to strong independent women. Deep down though all women want to be led when it's time to dance; dance literally or metaphorically; they want to feel that polarity with a partner even if they don't understand it.

So, I like to dance because partner dancing is a microcosm of the relationship between a man and a woman. It's a great way for the sexes to appreciate what they want from each other when it comes to what they need from each other. Attraction is a dance, flirting is a dance, dating is a dance. As a man I can concentrate on learning the steps, leading with confidence, and letting everything flow naturally.

Above all though, dancing is fun.

Movie clip

This is a clip from the film "My best friend's girl". It's not quite hypnosis but the psycology behind it intrigues me. Anyone who has read about attraction will instantly recognise what is going on here. It's David DeAngelo's concept of Cocky & Funny as an extreme sport.

It's also hilarious!



I love Kate Hudson because she's portrayed some really good characters over the years.

Attraction and Hypnosis

Okay, whilst I've been incredibly busy for the last three months I'm beginning to realise just how much I miss blogging and so I've come back for another fix. You lucky people.

The last three months or so have passed in a bit of a blur, but I have also learned a lot in that time. Those of you who know me will know that I broke up with my long term girlfriend a while ago, which was both very emotional for me but also represented a major change in direction for my life. I am beginning to rather enjoy the single life, the freedom it affords me, and being on the market again so to speak.

Well, when I say that what I mean is I seem to be filling up my time with fun new activities rather than going out with the explicit intention of finding myself a new partner.

Never mind, as my previous girlfriend was never particularly keen on this hobby my current unattached state means that the gloves are off. I now have the opportunity to talk about hypnosis and dating and how the two relate to each other. Or rather, the experience of being single and knowing about hypnotic phenomena.

I have to say that now I'm single I'm seldom in a hurry to bring up the subject of my interest in hypnosis in conversation. I think this is because the first thing that occurs to me about hypnosis is its massive potential for creepiness. There is the whole Svengali evil hypnotist manipulating people to his own ends cliche that still persists to this day attached to the term hypnotist. Many people are very wary of something that they do not understand; I know this because that's how I felt before I entered this world.

My experience of bringing hypnosis up in conversation has been that most people who don't know about it immediately equate it with controlling other people. Any woman who doesn't have the word "Svengali" in her vocabulary will still be completely familiar with the cliche, and will at least have seen hypnotists in TV shows like Little Britain in which a stage hypnotist uses his skills on a date with a woman, or to get a woman's phone number. These scenes are hilarious and obviously ridiculous but I think they deliberately make light of what to some people might be a legitimate fear about being controlled through hypnosis.

Despite this I think there are also a lot of things that I think work in ones favour. Good hypnotists are by necessity good communicators, so for example we know how to build rapport and have awareness of small signals from another person's body language, which a lot of people just don't have. There are also other things like knowing how to make people feel positive emotions and feel good just through interaction. These are all attractive qualities.

Hypnosis, to me, isn't about control, and there are words like relaxation, connection, escape, detachment and sensuality that seem more appropriate and women are much more likely to appreciate.

Yes I know the line "I know how to make you orgasm using only my voice" might attract some women, but I suspect not the kind I'd want to attract.

Anyone who knows anything about what qualities in men women find attractive will of course know that on a deeper level most women are drawn to men who are naturally able to be in control of the situation, the natural leaders. Another plus point.

One of the books I have been through in the last few months is a book called The Way of the Superior Man by David Deida. It's an extremely abstract book, but in it he describes the concepts of masculine and feminine, which exist within everyone, and suggests that attraction comes from the polarity between the two. Masculinity being characterised by strength, leadership, and being a secure fixed point, whilst femininity is colour, motion, existing in the moment and all that is beautiful in the world. This comes close to my heart in that it immediately makes me think of jive dancing, where like in most forms of partner dance the man leads and the woman follows, spinning and gyrating around him.

I think hypnosis is a kind of partner dance, in a way, because like the follower in a dance the subject is not being controlled but merely being led. This is probably why most hypnotists I meet are male, and most people who are really keen to try hypnosis are female. Just like with partner dancing there is polarity here and theoretically great potential for attraction.

So yes I feel there are upsides and downsides to bringing hypnosis up in conversation with women, but I think that the above just scratches the surface of this topic. There is a deeper question here I feel, which is to do with the concept of using ones knowledge of hypnosis in attracting women.

Let's face it, I've persuaded people that the person sat next to me is wearing a non-existent viking helmet and that their glass of flat cola is really the most delicious ginger beer they've ever tasted. Surely as a hypnotist eliciting the simple emotional response of feeling attraction toward me from women shouldn't be too difficult, especially with a little background reading from books written by experts in attraction such as David DeAngelo and Ross Jeffries.

Well it shouldn't, but how does this stack up morally?

Let's just consider for a moment that I could do a Kenny Craig. That it really would be possible for me to approach any woman I took a fancy to, wave my hands around, tell her to look in the eyes not around the eyes, snap my fingers and have her under my power. Say I could even maintain the attraction toward me from this gimmick indefinitely. What value would my connection with her really have? How would I feel about it?

It might appeal to some men but definitely not me, and I suspect in being the sculptor of her reality I would feel incredibly lonely. I think the most important thing for me in a relationship is that the person I'm with has qualified me, that they have a firm grounding in reality and yet they know me and are drawn to me because they recognise the person that I am and my array of positive attributes. I set the bar very high in being most attracted to strong, mature, intelligent and independent women; I think it helps drive me toward being my best possible self.

Okay, so we'll have none of this covert hypnotic manipulation or any of these attraction techniques. Just be yourself and be nice, like mother said, and everything will be fine, right?

Sadly not.

The unfortunate truth is that all of those things that women say they want in a man: intelligence; great conversation; being a good listener; sense of humour; adventurousness; being passionate about life; common interests; sensitivity; morality; these are all meaningless and might as well be completely invisible if the guy doesn't know how to spark attraction with the woman. If he doesn't in the best case the woman will just befriend him and in the worst case he'll be punished for his honourable intentions by being told he's creepy.

This is a big "aha!" moment that I have had in the last three months; the realisation that attraction in women, like hypnosis, is something that can be induced. Attractiveness is something that men can actually learn. Anyone who has read The Game by Neil Strauss will know that this is what in essence the pick-up artist community is all about. They have developed the art of procedurally creating the feeling of attraction in a woman and by means of such techniques leading her all the way to the bedroom. Seldom beyond it should be added.

Anyone who understands hypnosis will recognise that accidental hypnosis is occurring naturally all the time and spot it when it's happening. I experienced a similar revelation when I started to understand which male behaviours women find attractive. It's something else that's going on all the time, though most people don't realise what, how or why.

If these are things that people who are naturally good with others, and especially women, are using anyway I conclude that I have absolutely no qualms about using them myself. To not do so would be to shoot myself in the foot; to punish myself for having explicit knowledge about such things.

But wait is this manipulation? Well let's talk for a moment about something really manipulative, which is the more common approach men take. A man goes up to a woman in a bar and says "Can I buy you a drink?". He's offering her a drink but the subtext, whether he's aware of it or not, is that she is therefore obliged to talk to him or more. In fact, any occasion where a man is deliberately nice toward a woman he is attracted to in order to try to gain her approval he can unfortunately be assumed to have the words "...and please sleep with me" tagged on the end of his action.

Women spend hours prettying themselves up before they go out, enhancing their attractiveness to men's primarily visual sense of attraction with clothes that flatter them, styling their hair and using makeup. Is that manipulation? If a man's character really is to a woman what a woman's figure, face and hair is to a man, why not put in the effort to make sure that one is presenting ones best self, especially as the effects are even more pronounced for men than they are for women.

I can see why some people might object to what the pick up artists do and say they're taking advantage of the women they pick up. Personally whilst I don't condone telling lies or misleading people I think that the women who go for pick up artists know what they're doing and it's their right to enjoy enjoy themselves. Interestingly nobody seems to be raising the same objections about the proverbial busty blonde with the perfect figure who uses what she has to get what she wants.

I think the interesting question is where to draw the line when using this stuff. What is quite acceptable, and what is just self-serving manipulation?

The answer, to me, lies in the advice of John Morgan and his website Real Human Connect. Recently he and James Tripp have been putting together a dating programme called attraction games, which I'm sure will be well worth a look once it's up and running. The central premise to both of these sites is utilising the concept of play as opposed to work. The idea of just having fun and enjoying what comes naturally, as opposed to going out with a specific agenda. If the only thing on the agenda is to have a good time how can one be manipulative? Is it even possible to manipulate people into having fun?

So this is where I stand at the moment. Have to say I'm enjoying life right now.

Stay tuned. More hypnosis stuff coming.

Parkey.