Today I have been in London attending a workshop and it's brought me to understand a number of concepts, which I would like to share.
Readers of this blog will have noticed that I like to bring in references to other activities that I have participated in. Part of this is because I believe that a broad range of very different skills are worth more than the sum of its parts, but I also think it is true to say that an understanding of hypnosis is something that greatly enriches ones understanding of all aspects of life.
Something that has always been true of me is that I like to embrace completely new challenges from time to time. A few years ago I had a conversation with a co-worker about his interest in modern jive dancing. When, back in November, I found myself wanting to find new things to do with my time, and because dancing was definitely not me, as in not the sort of thing I'd ever even considered doing before, I of course threw myself straight into it.
If not modern jive, I can definitely recommend this attitude to life.
I also make no secret of the fact that meeting women played no small part in my motivation. As with most people whose vocation in life lies with engineering, the physical sciences or computers, my relationship with attractive young women has in the past been as a man lost in the desert's relationship with water. Meeting lots of women in an environment where the only agenda is to have fun has only been a good thing for me.
So how does modern jive relate to hypnosis? Well, I experienced a moment during the workshop today that connected so many dots it took me a couple of hours to trace all the lines. Hypnosis, trance, the subconscious and attraction all tied together, and it's beautiful.
You see as it's a partner dance one person, the man, leads and the other, the woman, follows. The link to hypnosis came out of the moment when the guy teaching the course started to demonstrate some of the more advanced concepts of lead and follow with his assistant. She was a gorgeous young woman with a wonderful petite figure, short brown hair and shining blue eyes, but the most impressive thing about her was the way she moved because it was so smooth and elegant, especially the way her hips swayed as she transfered her weight from foot to foot. She'd been dancing for five years, actually had "To live... Is to dance" tattooed on her forearm, and every movement of her body seemed so easy and natural.
It was when the teacher took her hand and started showing the men how to lead, however, that the hypnotist inside me woke up. "Oh my goodness" it said "she's going into trance". It was as plain as day, the shift in mental state was all over her face; I know that look and I'd recognise it anywhere! She was looking at the teacher with a blank receptive expression, her eyes locked on him, as her body responded to the instructions his hands gave her: forward; back; spin left; spin right. Obviously over years of dancing she has reached a point where no conscious input is required, she knows the cues and the subconscious responds making her body move as though on autopilot.
So firstly we have what every person who enjoys exercise has, which is a trance state. Secondly she is being purely feminine: she doesn't have to think along a timeline; she doesn't have to think about anything spacial; she can live and express herself in the moment. Finally we have the kind of sexual polarity that David Deida talks about between masculine and feminie that exists in the dance state (pardon the pun). Feminity is balanced against the masculinity of her dance partner who confidently leads the way into the next move and is always there to catch her.
No wonder she loves dancing!
A nice little showcase of this kind of lead and follow comes in an exercise that beginners to modern jive are shown. Partners stand facing each other and place their palms against the palms of their partner with just a little bit of pressure. The follower's role is to maintain that pressure and to move in whatever way is necessary to do so. The leader is thus able to move their partner around just by moving their own hands. The result feels exactly the same as a hypnotic hand stick and I guess a lot of the principles are the same. For the follower it's about agreeing to be led (not controlled; led) and going with it. If they really trust you, as the leader you can get them to close their eyes, lead them backward, forward, turn them in either direction and, if you're feeling particularly mischievous, without warning deposit them into the nearest sofa.
Before you ask yes I have been tempted to weave in a little hypnosis into that exercise, and I will probably at some point come up with a routine based on it.
Anyway, coming back to the hot assistant and her dance trance, so many things about what I find attractive in women slotted into place too. I have always found a woman's eyes to be the outward feature I find most attractive and I always know when a woman has had an impact on me because I have a lingering impression of her eye colour; it's possibly the closest thing I've ever had to synesthesia. Anyway I always thought my affinity for eyes was because they express personality and intelligence, and of course they do, but now I think there's more to it than that. I think that what I am seeing and being attracted to, certain looks and expressions, is an expression of something that is deeply feminine; that receptive almost entranced look especially.
Yes I did dance with that girl at the workshop. It was a lot of fun but my word was it intimidating. Asking "how did I do?" most unattractively after running through new moves was something that I found most difficult, although she did give me some very useful pointers on technique.
Going back to attraction a month or so ago following a conversation with a female friend who was having trouble finding men she was attracted to I wanted to see if there was any material out there that was the female equivalent of David DeAngelo's Double your Dating. I came across an ebook that seems to be exactly that called Sensuality Secrets written by a woman called Patty Contenta, and it turns out that she is a ballroom dance teacher. I actually found it fascinating because the emphasis is entirely different to all the material out there for men as it focuses on posture and body language, which I guess reflects how different the sense of attractiveness is to men and women.
My friend's reaction was interesting though, because she commented that a lot of the Sensuality Secrets stuff, from the preview material on the website, just comes across as being subservient. This came at around about the same time as a friend's girlfriend, who is a feminist, commented that I shouldn't be approaching women and taking it for granted I will be leading the dance, rather I should be asking them if they would like me to. I think these are responses that are indicative of the difficulties facing men in the modern era. Women are so empowered nowadays and some would even say women are so independent that they don't need men any more. What is our role supposed to be if we are no longer the breadwinners and the head of the household?
Personally I happen to think that women need men more than ever in the modern age. Women need men in order to be women, just as night cannot exist without day. It's all about polarity, and there is no escaping the behaviours and desires that evolution gave us. I think the independence and equality women have today is a very good thing; I actually find myself most attracted to strong independent women. Deep down though all women want to be led when it's time to dance; dance literally or metaphorically; they want to feel that polarity with a partner even if they don't understand it.
So, I like to dance because partner dancing is a microcosm of the relationship between a man and a woman. It's a great way for the sexes to appreciate what they want from each other when it comes to what they need from each other. Attraction is a dance, flirting is a dance, dating is a dance. As a man I can concentrate on learning the steps, leading with confidence, and letting everything flow naturally.
Above all though, dancing is fun.
Sunday 30 January 2011
Wednesday 26 January 2011
First timers I
Right, enough of my musings; now for something actually useful.
I've had a few friends who have looked at doing a bit of hypnosis, have read a book or two, or a hundred, on how to do it and yet still haven't hypnotised anybody. This is crucial, because to my mind nobody can call themself a hypnotist until they have actually hypnotised another person, in person; it's the distinction between being a hypnotist and being a person who knows a bit about hypnosis. I should say if your sole body of experience is hypnosis over MSN, or god forbid you're one of those people who has put put up a youtube video featuring only text or a computer generated voice, you are only a person who knows a bit about hypnosis.
Anyway, I was recently chatting with a friend who has yet to put her knowledge of hypnosis into action and she said that something that's bee a problem for her is knowing what to do next. She said what would really help her would be a routine to try, so I promised I would write something to encourage her to go forward with it.
So if you're one of these people who has learned about hypnosis but never (let's face it) worked up the nerve to go and give it a go with someone, this is for you. In this post I will give you some principles to think about, and then in the next I will give you an actual routine to go and try.
So, here is my advice to newbies.
1. Deal with your anxiety.
Do you know that feeling you get when you think you'd like to bring up your interest in hypnosis or ask someone to be your subject? That feeling of anxiety that comes up and makes it so easy to do nothing and let another opportunity slip through your fingers? Some news for you: this feeling will never go away. I would say that most or indeed every hypnotist gets this feeling, but what distinguishes them is an ability to act in the face of it.
A lot of people think they can overcome anxiety by learning more, or maybe they're just procrastinating. Either way I'm afraid this doesn't work. By all means keep reading, but understand that the only way you will get to hypnotise someone is by just getting on with it.
The best analogue for the feeling I can think of for me has been in the past when there's been an attractive woman I've wanted to go and talk to. Something that the pickup artist community puts about is the idea of the so-called three second rule - when you see her you have three seconds to go over to her or it's over before it's even begun. I think employing a similar principle with opportunities for hypnosis is a good idea. In the moment don't give yourself time to think; have a routine ready so you know where to start; go straight in.
I mean it! Don't think, GO!
The good news is that this feeling is a peak not a plateau. If you can face it and climb over it you will find yourself coasting down the other side. Once over the top you'll be on what B.A. Baracas used to call "The Jazz" and trust me for that feeling alone it's worth it. Learn to embrace your anxiety as a positive sign that you're pushing the bounds of your comfort zone. It's the time for full speed ahead because if you backpedal or even coast for just a moment you will never have the momentum to make it over that peak.
2. Find a good subject
This would be worth a whole blog post in itself but I'll mention a few key things here.
I would advise against working to persuade someone to be your subject because I have never had particularly good results from doing this. More often than not they will be looking for the first opportunity to let you down gently by saying it isn't working.
Think differently; don't hunt for a subject, fish for one. Trust me, if you mention in passing to enough people that you know how to do hypnosis it will only be a matter of time before someone will ask you to hypnotise them. This is the person you want to work with.
If your reply to the above is that you've asked everyone you know and nobody wants to give it a try consider it a signal that you should be going out and broadening your circle of friends. After all, what use is this skill to you if you have nobody you can use it with?
Girlfriends/Boyfriends or family members can be the worst people to try on for the first time, so only use them if they are especially keen to try.
3. Be the hypnotist
This is the standard advice that anyone teaching hypnosis will give, with good reason of course because it is far more important than any technique you will ever learn as a hypnotist. Here's my spin on it.
It's completely possible learn an induction word for word and execute it by numbers absolutely perfectly yet have absolutely nothing will happen for the subject. If you find that this is happening for you repeatedly the chances are you are not being the hypnotist.
Hypnosis is a game of lead and follow; it's a dance. Yes knowing the steps is useful but your dance partner isn't going to follow your signal to metaphorically drop all their weight into your arms unless they are certain you can take their weight. They aren't going to cede their control over their situation to somebody who isn't themself clearly and confidently in control. This is what hypnotists mean when they talk about congruence, knowing the words but matching it with a confident tone of voice and body language. The best, if not the only, way to achieve congruence is through inner belief and confidence in what you are doing.
No method will ever hypnotise a subject; it's your undoubting belief that you are able to hypnotise the subject that hypnotises them. Learn the method, learn the principles, forget the method. Be the hypnotist.
4. You are going to fail
Don't believe what you see on youtube, not everybody is an amazing subject. You are going to come across people who just do not respond to you with hypnotic phenomena. If you get really, really good perhaps you'll achieve something like an 80% success rate in an impromptu setting. If you go to hypnotise people you are going to fail from time to time; it's inevitable. Deal with it.
Now cross out the word "fail". With the right mindset you cannot fail.
There's an expression, "sometimes you win, sometimes you learn". Success in finding a brilliant subject is a lot of fun but it's not a good teacher. Embrace the times when things don't go to plan because you will learn a lot from them. Ask your subject what they were thinking, what the experience was like, because you will start to spot patterns and improve your technique over time.
Also remember that as the hypnotist the chances are you are the only person who really knows what's going on and what's supposed to happen. Often the first sign observers and even your subject will get that something isn't quite going to plan is when you bring it to their attention. The best musicians get away with playing a wrong note by not missing a beat.
5. Have fun!
Finally if, like me, you're approaching this as a hobby for goodness sake remember that you are doing it for fun. Loosen up, relax and enjoy yourself; if you do your subject will too.
I hope this has been helpful. Part II to follow soon.
I've had a few friends who have looked at doing a bit of hypnosis, have read a book or two, or a hundred, on how to do it and yet still haven't hypnotised anybody. This is crucial, because to my mind nobody can call themself a hypnotist until they have actually hypnotised another person, in person; it's the distinction between being a hypnotist and being a person who knows a bit about hypnosis. I should say if your sole body of experience is hypnosis over MSN, or god forbid you're one of those people who has put put up a youtube video featuring only text or a computer generated voice, you are only a person who knows a bit about hypnosis.
Anyway, I was recently chatting with a friend who has yet to put her knowledge of hypnosis into action and she said that something that's bee a problem for her is knowing what to do next. She said what would really help her would be a routine to try, so I promised I would write something to encourage her to go forward with it.
So if you're one of these people who has learned about hypnosis but never (let's face it) worked up the nerve to go and give it a go with someone, this is for you. In this post I will give you some principles to think about, and then in the next I will give you an actual routine to go and try.
So, here is my advice to newbies.
1. Deal with your anxiety.
Do you know that feeling you get when you think you'd like to bring up your interest in hypnosis or ask someone to be your subject? That feeling of anxiety that comes up and makes it so easy to do nothing and let another opportunity slip through your fingers? Some news for you: this feeling will never go away. I would say that most or indeed every hypnotist gets this feeling, but what distinguishes them is an ability to act in the face of it.
A lot of people think they can overcome anxiety by learning more, or maybe they're just procrastinating. Either way I'm afraid this doesn't work. By all means keep reading, but understand that the only way you will get to hypnotise someone is by just getting on with it.
The best analogue for the feeling I can think of for me has been in the past when there's been an attractive woman I've wanted to go and talk to. Something that the pickup artist community puts about is the idea of the so-called three second rule - when you see her you have three seconds to go over to her or it's over before it's even begun. I think employing a similar principle with opportunities for hypnosis is a good idea. In the moment don't give yourself time to think; have a routine ready so you know where to start; go straight in.
I mean it! Don't think, GO!
The good news is that this feeling is a peak not a plateau. If you can face it and climb over it you will find yourself coasting down the other side. Once over the top you'll be on what B.A. Baracas used to call "The Jazz" and trust me for that feeling alone it's worth it. Learn to embrace your anxiety as a positive sign that you're pushing the bounds of your comfort zone. It's the time for full speed ahead because if you backpedal or even coast for just a moment you will never have the momentum to make it over that peak.
2. Find a good subject
This would be worth a whole blog post in itself but I'll mention a few key things here.
I would advise against working to persuade someone to be your subject because I have never had particularly good results from doing this. More often than not they will be looking for the first opportunity to let you down gently by saying it isn't working.
Think differently; don't hunt for a subject, fish for one. Trust me, if you mention in passing to enough people that you know how to do hypnosis it will only be a matter of time before someone will ask you to hypnotise them. This is the person you want to work with.
If your reply to the above is that you've asked everyone you know and nobody wants to give it a try consider it a signal that you should be going out and broadening your circle of friends. After all, what use is this skill to you if you have nobody you can use it with?
Girlfriends/Boyfriends or family members can be the worst people to try on for the first time, so only use them if they are especially keen to try.
3. Be the hypnotist
This is the standard advice that anyone teaching hypnosis will give, with good reason of course because it is far more important than any technique you will ever learn as a hypnotist. Here's my spin on it.
It's completely possible learn an induction word for word and execute it by numbers absolutely perfectly yet have absolutely nothing will happen for the subject. If you find that this is happening for you repeatedly the chances are you are not being the hypnotist.
Hypnosis is a game of lead and follow; it's a dance. Yes knowing the steps is useful but your dance partner isn't going to follow your signal to metaphorically drop all their weight into your arms unless they are certain you can take their weight. They aren't going to cede their control over their situation to somebody who isn't themself clearly and confidently in control. This is what hypnotists mean when they talk about congruence, knowing the words but matching it with a confident tone of voice and body language. The best, if not the only, way to achieve congruence is through inner belief and confidence in what you are doing.
No method will ever hypnotise a subject; it's your undoubting belief that you are able to hypnotise the subject that hypnotises them. Learn the method, learn the principles, forget the method. Be the hypnotist.
4. You are going to fail
Don't believe what you see on youtube, not everybody is an amazing subject. You are going to come across people who just do not respond to you with hypnotic phenomena. If you get really, really good perhaps you'll achieve something like an 80% success rate in an impromptu setting. If you go to hypnotise people you are going to fail from time to time; it's inevitable. Deal with it.
Now cross out the word "fail". With the right mindset you cannot fail.
There's an expression, "sometimes you win, sometimes you learn". Success in finding a brilliant subject is a lot of fun but it's not a good teacher. Embrace the times when things don't go to plan because you will learn a lot from them. Ask your subject what they were thinking, what the experience was like, because you will start to spot patterns and improve your technique over time.
Also remember that as the hypnotist the chances are you are the only person who really knows what's going on and what's supposed to happen. Often the first sign observers and even your subject will get that something isn't quite going to plan is when you bring it to their attention. The best musicians get away with playing a wrong note by not missing a beat.
5. Have fun!
Finally if, like me, you're approaching this as a hobby for goodness sake remember that you are doing it for fun. Loosen up, relax and enjoy yourself; if you do your subject will too.
I hope this has been helpful. Part II to follow soon.
Movie clip
This is a clip from the film "My best friend's girl". It's not quite hypnosis but the psycology behind it intrigues me. Anyone who has read about attraction will instantly recognise what is going on here. It's David DeAngelo's concept of Cocky & Funny as an extreme sport.
It's also hilarious!
I love Kate Hudson because she's portrayed some really good characters over the years.
It's also hilarious!
I love Kate Hudson because she's portrayed some really good characters over the years.
Thursday 20 January 2011
Attraction and Hypnosis
Okay, whilst I've been incredibly busy for the last three months I'm beginning to realise just how much I miss blogging and so I've come back for another fix. You lucky people.
The last three months or so have passed in a bit of a blur, but I have also learned a lot in that time. Those of you who know me will know that I broke up with my long term girlfriend a while ago, which was both very emotional for me but also represented a major change in direction for my life. I am beginning to rather enjoy the single life, the freedom it affords me, and being on the market again so to speak.
Well, when I say that what I mean is I seem to be filling up my time with fun new activities rather than going out with the explicit intention of finding myself a new partner.
Never mind, as my previous girlfriend was never particularly keen on this hobby my current unattached state means that the gloves are off. I now have the opportunity to talk about hypnosis and dating and how the two relate to each other. Or rather, the experience of being single and knowing about hypnotic phenomena.
I have to say that now I'm single I'm seldom in a hurry to bring up the subject of my interest in hypnosis in conversation. I think this is because the first thing that occurs to me about hypnosis is its massive potential for creepiness. There is the whole Svengali evil hypnotist manipulating people to his own ends cliche that still persists to this day attached to the term hypnotist. Many people are very wary of something that they do not understand; I know this because that's how I felt before I entered this world.
My experience of bringing hypnosis up in conversation has been that most people who don't know about it immediately equate it with controlling other people. Any woman who doesn't have the word "Svengali" in her vocabulary will still be completely familiar with the cliche, and will at least have seen hypnotists in TV shows like Little Britain in which a stage hypnotist uses his skills on a date with a woman, or to get a woman's phone number. These scenes are hilarious and obviously ridiculous but I think they deliberately make light of what to some people might be a legitimate fear about being controlled through hypnosis.
Despite this I think there are also a lot of things that I think work in ones favour. Good hypnotists are by necessity good communicators, so for example we know how to build rapport and have awareness of small signals from another person's body language, which a lot of people just don't have. There are also other things like knowing how to make people feel positive emotions and feel good just through interaction. These are all attractive qualities.
Hypnosis, to me, isn't about control, and there are words like relaxation, connection, escape, detachment and sensuality that seem more appropriate and women are much more likely to appreciate.
Yes I know the line "I know how to make you orgasm using only my voice" might attract some women, but I suspect not the kind I'd want to attract.
Anyone who knows anything about what qualities in men women find attractive will of course know that on a deeper level most women are drawn to men who are naturally able to be in control of the situation, the natural leaders. Another plus point.
One of the books I have been through in the last few months is a book called The Way of the Superior Man by David Deida. It's an extremely abstract book, but in it he describes the concepts of masculine and feminine, which exist within everyone, and suggests that attraction comes from the polarity between the two. Masculinity being characterised by strength, leadership, and being a secure fixed point, whilst femininity is colour, motion, existing in the moment and all that is beautiful in the world. This comes close to my heart in that it immediately makes me think of jive dancing, where like in most forms of partner dance the man leads and the woman follows, spinning and gyrating around him.
I think hypnosis is a kind of partner dance, in a way, because like the follower in a dance the subject is not being controlled but merely being led. This is probably why most hypnotists I meet are male, and most people who are really keen to try hypnosis are female. Just like with partner dancing there is polarity here and theoretically great potential for attraction.
So yes I feel there are upsides and downsides to bringing hypnosis up in conversation with women, but I think that the above just scratches the surface of this topic. There is a deeper question here I feel, which is to do with the concept of using ones knowledge of hypnosis in attracting women.
Let's face it, I've persuaded people that the person sat next to me is wearing a non-existent viking helmet and that their glass of flat cola is really the most delicious ginger beer they've ever tasted. Surely as a hypnotist eliciting the simple emotional response of feeling attraction toward me from women shouldn't be too difficult, especially with a little background reading from books written by experts in attraction such as David DeAngelo and Ross Jeffries.
Well it shouldn't, but how does this stack up morally?
Let's just consider for a moment that I could do a Kenny Craig. That it really would be possible for me to approach any woman I took a fancy to, wave my hands around, tell her to look in the eyes not around the eyes, snap my fingers and have her under my power. Say I could even maintain the attraction toward me from this gimmick indefinitely. What value would my connection with her really have? How would I feel about it?
It might appeal to some men but definitely not me, and I suspect in being the sculptor of her reality I would feel incredibly lonely. I think the most important thing for me in a relationship is that the person I'm with has qualified me, that they have a firm grounding in reality and yet they know me and are drawn to me because they recognise the person that I am and my array of positive attributes. I set the bar very high in being most attracted to strong, mature, intelligent and independent women; I think it helps drive me toward being my best possible self.
Okay, so we'll have none of this covert hypnotic manipulation or any of these attraction techniques. Just be yourself and be nice, like mother said, and everything will be fine, right?
Sadly not.
The unfortunate truth is that all of those things that women say they want in a man: intelligence; great conversation; being a good listener; sense of humour; adventurousness; being passionate about life; common interests; sensitivity; morality; these are all meaningless and might as well be completely invisible if the guy doesn't know how to spark attraction with the woman. If he doesn't in the best case the woman will just befriend him and in the worst case he'll be punished for his honourable intentions by being told he's creepy.
This is a big "aha!" moment that I have had in the last three months; the realisation that attraction in women, like hypnosis, is something that can be induced. Attractiveness is something that men can actually learn. Anyone who has read The Game by Neil Strauss will know that this is what in essence the pick-up artist community is all about. They have developed the art of procedurally creating the feeling of attraction in a woman and by means of such techniques leading her all the way to the bedroom. Seldom beyond it should be added.
Anyone who understands hypnosis will recognise that accidental hypnosis is occurring naturally all the time and spot it when it's happening. I experienced a similar revelation when I started to understand which male behaviours women find attractive. It's something else that's going on all the time, though most people don't realise what, how or why.
If these are things that people who are naturally good with others, and especially women, are using anyway I conclude that I have absolutely no qualms about using them myself. To not do so would be to shoot myself in the foot; to punish myself for having explicit knowledge about such things.
But wait is this manipulation? Well let's talk for a moment about something really manipulative, which is the more common approach men take. A man goes up to a woman in a bar and says "Can I buy you a drink?". He's offering her a drink but the subtext, whether he's aware of it or not, is that she is therefore obliged to talk to him or more. In fact, any occasion where a man is deliberately nice toward a woman he is attracted to in order to try to gain her approval he can unfortunately be assumed to have the words "...and please sleep with me" tagged on the end of his action.
Women spend hours prettying themselves up before they go out, enhancing their attractiveness to men's primarily visual sense of attraction with clothes that flatter them, styling their hair and using makeup. Is that manipulation? If a man's character really is to a woman what a woman's figure, face and hair is to a man, why not put in the effort to make sure that one is presenting ones best self, especially as the effects are even more pronounced for men than they are for women.
I can see why some people might object to what the pick up artists do and say they're taking advantage of the women they pick up. Personally whilst I don't condone telling lies or misleading people I think that the women who go for pick up artists know what they're doing and it's their right to enjoy enjoy themselves. Interestingly nobody seems to be raising the same objections about the proverbial busty blonde with the perfect figure who uses what she has to get what she wants.
I think the interesting question is where to draw the line when using this stuff. What is quite acceptable, and what is just self-serving manipulation?
The answer, to me, lies in the advice of John Morgan and his website Real Human Connect. Recently he and James Tripp have been putting together a dating programme called attraction games, which I'm sure will be well worth a look once it's up and running. The central premise to both of these sites is utilising the concept of play as opposed to work. The idea of just having fun and enjoying what comes naturally, as opposed to going out with a specific agenda. If the only thing on the agenda is to have a good time how can one be manipulative? Is it even possible to manipulate people into having fun?
So this is where I stand at the moment. Have to say I'm enjoying life right now.
Stay tuned. More hypnosis stuff coming.
Parkey.
The last three months or so have passed in a bit of a blur, but I have also learned a lot in that time. Those of you who know me will know that I broke up with my long term girlfriend a while ago, which was both very emotional for me but also represented a major change in direction for my life. I am beginning to rather enjoy the single life, the freedom it affords me, and being on the market again so to speak.
Well, when I say that what I mean is I seem to be filling up my time with fun new activities rather than going out with the explicit intention of finding myself a new partner.
Never mind, as my previous girlfriend was never particularly keen on this hobby my current unattached state means that the gloves are off. I now have the opportunity to talk about hypnosis and dating and how the two relate to each other. Or rather, the experience of being single and knowing about hypnotic phenomena.
I have to say that now I'm single I'm seldom in a hurry to bring up the subject of my interest in hypnosis in conversation. I think this is because the first thing that occurs to me about hypnosis is its massive potential for creepiness. There is the whole Svengali evil hypnotist manipulating people to his own ends cliche that still persists to this day attached to the term hypnotist. Many people are very wary of something that they do not understand; I know this because that's how I felt before I entered this world.
My experience of bringing hypnosis up in conversation has been that most people who don't know about it immediately equate it with controlling other people. Any woman who doesn't have the word "Svengali" in her vocabulary will still be completely familiar with the cliche, and will at least have seen hypnotists in TV shows like Little Britain in which a stage hypnotist uses his skills on a date with a woman, or to get a woman's phone number. These scenes are hilarious and obviously ridiculous but I think they deliberately make light of what to some people might be a legitimate fear about being controlled through hypnosis.
Despite this I think there are also a lot of things that I think work in ones favour. Good hypnotists are by necessity good communicators, so for example we know how to build rapport and have awareness of small signals from another person's body language, which a lot of people just don't have. There are also other things like knowing how to make people feel positive emotions and feel good just through interaction. These are all attractive qualities.
Hypnosis, to me, isn't about control, and there are words like relaxation, connection, escape, detachment and sensuality that seem more appropriate and women are much more likely to appreciate.
Yes I know the line "I know how to make you orgasm using only my voice" might attract some women, but I suspect not the kind I'd want to attract.
Anyone who knows anything about what qualities in men women find attractive will of course know that on a deeper level most women are drawn to men who are naturally able to be in control of the situation, the natural leaders. Another plus point.
One of the books I have been through in the last few months is a book called The Way of the Superior Man by David Deida. It's an extremely abstract book, but in it he describes the concepts of masculine and feminine, which exist within everyone, and suggests that attraction comes from the polarity between the two. Masculinity being characterised by strength, leadership, and being a secure fixed point, whilst femininity is colour, motion, existing in the moment and all that is beautiful in the world. This comes close to my heart in that it immediately makes me think of jive dancing, where like in most forms of partner dance the man leads and the woman follows, spinning and gyrating around him.
I think hypnosis is a kind of partner dance, in a way, because like the follower in a dance the subject is not being controlled but merely being led. This is probably why most hypnotists I meet are male, and most people who are really keen to try hypnosis are female. Just like with partner dancing there is polarity here and theoretically great potential for attraction.
So yes I feel there are upsides and downsides to bringing hypnosis up in conversation with women, but I think that the above just scratches the surface of this topic. There is a deeper question here I feel, which is to do with the concept of using ones knowledge of hypnosis in attracting women.
Let's face it, I've persuaded people that the person sat next to me is wearing a non-existent viking helmet and that their glass of flat cola is really the most delicious ginger beer they've ever tasted. Surely as a hypnotist eliciting the simple emotional response of feeling attraction toward me from women shouldn't be too difficult, especially with a little background reading from books written by experts in attraction such as David DeAngelo and Ross Jeffries.
Well it shouldn't, but how does this stack up morally?
Let's just consider for a moment that I could do a Kenny Craig. That it really would be possible for me to approach any woman I took a fancy to, wave my hands around, tell her to look in the eyes not around the eyes, snap my fingers and have her under my power. Say I could even maintain the attraction toward me from this gimmick indefinitely. What value would my connection with her really have? How would I feel about it?
It might appeal to some men but definitely not me, and I suspect in being the sculptor of her reality I would feel incredibly lonely. I think the most important thing for me in a relationship is that the person I'm with has qualified me, that they have a firm grounding in reality and yet they know me and are drawn to me because they recognise the person that I am and my array of positive attributes. I set the bar very high in being most attracted to strong, mature, intelligent and independent women; I think it helps drive me toward being my best possible self.
Okay, so we'll have none of this covert hypnotic manipulation or any of these attraction techniques. Just be yourself and be nice, like mother said, and everything will be fine, right?
Sadly not.
The unfortunate truth is that all of those things that women say they want in a man: intelligence; great conversation; being a good listener; sense of humour; adventurousness; being passionate about life; common interests; sensitivity; morality; these are all meaningless and might as well be completely invisible if the guy doesn't know how to spark attraction with the woman. If he doesn't in the best case the woman will just befriend him and in the worst case he'll be punished for his honourable intentions by being told he's creepy.
This is a big "aha!" moment that I have had in the last three months; the realisation that attraction in women, like hypnosis, is something that can be induced. Attractiveness is something that men can actually learn. Anyone who has read The Game by Neil Strauss will know that this is what in essence the pick-up artist community is all about. They have developed the art of procedurally creating the feeling of attraction in a woman and by means of such techniques leading her all the way to the bedroom. Seldom beyond it should be added.
Anyone who understands hypnosis will recognise that accidental hypnosis is occurring naturally all the time and spot it when it's happening. I experienced a similar revelation when I started to understand which male behaviours women find attractive. It's something else that's going on all the time, though most people don't realise what, how or why.
If these are things that people who are naturally good with others, and especially women, are using anyway I conclude that I have absolutely no qualms about using them myself. To not do so would be to shoot myself in the foot; to punish myself for having explicit knowledge about such things.
But wait is this manipulation? Well let's talk for a moment about something really manipulative, which is the more common approach men take. A man goes up to a woman in a bar and says "Can I buy you a drink?". He's offering her a drink but the subtext, whether he's aware of it or not, is that she is therefore obliged to talk to him or more. In fact, any occasion where a man is deliberately nice toward a woman he is attracted to in order to try to gain her approval he can unfortunately be assumed to have the words "...and please sleep with me" tagged on the end of his action.
Women spend hours prettying themselves up before they go out, enhancing their attractiveness to men's primarily visual sense of attraction with clothes that flatter them, styling their hair and using makeup. Is that manipulation? If a man's character really is to a woman what a woman's figure, face and hair is to a man, why not put in the effort to make sure that one is presenting ones best self, especially as the effects are even more pronounced for men than they are for women.
I can see why some people might object to what the pick up artists do and say they're taking advantage of the women they pick up. Personally whilst I don't condone telling lies or misleading people I think that the women who go for pick up artists know what they're doing and it's their right to enjoy enjoy themselves. Interestingly nobody seems to be raising the same objections about the proverbial busty blonde with the perfect figure who uses what she has to get what she wants.
I think the interesting question is where to draw the line when using this stuff. What is quite acceptable, and what is just self-serving manipulation?
The answer, to me, lies in the advice of John Morgan and his website Real Human Connect. Recently he and James Tripp have been putting together a dating programme called attraction games, which I'm sure will be well worth a look once it's up and running. The central premise to both of these sites is utilising the concept of play as opposed to work. The idea of just having fun and enjoying what comes naturally, as opposed to going out with a specific agenda. If the only thing on the agenda is to have a good time how can one be manipulative? Is it even possible to manipulate people into having fun?
So this is where I stand at the moment. Have to say I'm enjoying life right now.
Stay tuned. More hypnosis stuff coming.
Parkey.
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