Frustration!

Well, that didn't last long!

This is a blog of the highs and the lows. Well, the current time is a low point for me.

Ever since I started practicing hypnosis and sharing these amazing experiences with my subjects I've been simply dying to experience it myself. A mix of curiosity and the knowledge that experience would make me a better hypnotist. Hence my constant frustration at never appearing to respond at all to it.

Over Christmas, as I was reading his book at the time, I had a listen to Jon Chase's interview on Keys to the mind and one of the things he said was that there's about 20% of the population who can't be hypnotised, no matter how much they want to be. That comment scared me. I didn't and don't want to believe it, and I certainly don't want to be given that life sentence of being one of Jon's 20%

There are other schools of thought, for example Igor Ledochowski who seems to suggest in his book, which I also got for Christmas, that given time anybody can access the deepest levels of trance. Needless to say I want to believe his view on this.

I was feeling very good at the beginning of this week because, as I wrote, I was getting good at floating my arm under self hypnosis and I was able to use my imagination to lift my arm up against a conscious instruction for the arm to come down. I felt over the moon because it seemed like a step forward toward actually being able to experience hypnosis. Something which I feel I haven't experienced at all yet. Not really.

Now it's stopped working. Completely.

I now don't even appear to be able to even lift my arm up, and of course the complete lack of phenomena makes me question whether I'm even accessing trance. It's as though my mind has learned how to sabotage my own self hypnosis attempts, which probably sounds insane but it's true. How it happens is that I can't stop myself from thinking "but you're doing that consciously" and that thought instantly stops the arm lift happening. Like it or not, my conscious mind is back in control of the arm.

So, so, damn frustrating it's untrue!

A couple of guys on the forum have offered me some help, which I really appreciate, but even when a hypnotist tries with me, by mp3 or in person, I just don't know what to expect to happen or what I should be doing with my mind. "Let go and let it happen" they say. Trouble is that that's a conscious act. Do I choose to follow the instructions consciously and feel like a bad actor, or do I choose to not follow them, "let things happen", and end up sitting there with nothing at all happening? I think too much... but how on earth does one stop thinking?!

"I may have trouble letting go" they say. Actually no, I do not feel I have a problem with my desire or intention to "let go". I just have not been able to work out how to do it! What am I going to think when someone says "let go"? That's right, I'm thinking "Okay. No Problem. I want to do that. Done. Have I let go yet? No, I'm consciously thinking. Must stop consciously thinking. Damn, this is more conscious thinking! Dammit so was that! Stop this! Damn!..." and so on.

I guess I'm worried that my brain is just not wired up right for hypnosis. I work as a mechanical engineer, and I've gone along this career path in life because I have a mind that questions, analyses and looks for explanations and solutions. I really like that part of me and I like being good at what I do, but that doesn't stop me cursing it when it kicks into gear and destroys my attempts at going into a hypnotic trance.

I'm afraid I am one of that alleged unlucky few who will never. It's probably a stupid irrational fear, but it's in these dark hours that those come out to have their day.

I don't know what to think frankly.