2012 is the year of making love, or so I am told.
I should explain. This weekend I went to an event organised by Fever Media, a subcontractor for BBC3, that is intended as the kick off to a TV series about matchmaking and the early stages of relationships, called "The year of making love". The premise is that they'd get single men and women to take an online compatibility test, then 500 of each would be invited to an event where they would meet the partner the system had paired them up with.
I have to be honest I am extremely skeptical about the idea of matching people through any kind of science. I think that how to attract and be with someone in a relationship is something you have to learn through experience, through going out, learning what you want and making all the important mistakes. I don't think it's something you can calculate your way to instantly.
That said, there was no way that I could hear about this and not jump at the opportunity to give it a try. Opportunity is the word, because I'm not going to be free and single for ever and so I believe in doing things like this when I can, because I can. If nothing else it would be a fun and interesting day out.
So, Saturday morning found me arriving at the Millbrook Proving Ground for this event, in the knowledge that I would be meeting my "perfect match" that day. Millbrook is actually a site that's mostly used for testing cars, and has featured on episodes of Top Gear more than a few times. This in itself was exciting enough for me as I followed the "follow me" van through a maze of test tracks to an exhibition centre on the far side of the site where the event would be held.
I was half expecting to see Jeremy Clarkson to come screaming past at the wheel of a rocket propelled milk float or something similar.
In any case, I had been told to arrive between and 9am and 10:30am, and I was quite surprised, rolling up in my car at 9:30, that the place seemed so incredibly quiet. Nevertheless, I walked straight up to the desk, got registered, ringed by a band on my wrist like a racing pigeon, and got sat down with some of the other guys who had arrived at about the same time to wait. There were a couple of lads from Sheffield, a guy who'd come down from Birmingham, and another who had come all the way up from Devon the day before.
As we sat and chatted the time away, camera crews flitted between us, selecting people, seemingly at random, to interview either on the spot or to take away and interview elsewhere. Amongst all of this, a lady called Cherry Healey (who I've never heard of before but apparently my Mum's a fan) was also wandering around with an orbital crew of production staff, sound men and cameras, looking particularly glamourous.
I ended up on camera quite early on, and as it happens completely by accident. Some of the guys I was sat with had brought gifts for their date. One guy had brought a massive bunch of flowers outsized only by the accompanying cliché factor, and also a Manchester United shirt. Another guy had brought a little teddy bear with him, which I thought was a really sweet gesture. So by means of a joke I started looking through my bag for something that would constitute a legitimate romantic gift, remarking that a half empty pack of sainsbury's decongestant tablets, a pair of 3D glasses, a laser pointer a friend had lent me and a small notebook didn't quite measure up.
So inevitably the last remaining item, my trusty pack of cards, came out at this point, and as we'd been waiting for about three hours I decided to entertain everybody with a few card tricks. I was surprised at how well this went down, and even more surprised when a few minutes later a guy came over from another table and asked me to go over and entertain them too. Over I went, as there was no way I would turn down the opportunity to have that kind of fun.
So again, out came the cards and I went into what is, by now, quite a well practiced routine. It was as my tricks at this table started to draw a crowd that it dawned on me that this wasn't going to go un-noticed. I managed to get through a trick and a half before a cameraman and one of the production team showed up, clipped a microphone to my waistcoat and shoved a camera in my face. A little frustrating, because this seemed to scare away much of my audience. They had me perform another couple of tricks and then started asking me whether I would be performing these tricks for my date.
I found it a bit tricky to answer the questions, because I was told not to look into the camera but instead look at the lady from the production staff. This was difficult because firstly she wasn't saying anything, just smiling sweetly at me, and secondly because if I'm honest she was really quite cute. Anyway, I muddled through by saying that I wasn't planning on trying to woo my date with card tricks I was just passing the time and having fun.
By this time the coaches, who it seems were carrying the majority of the contestants, had finally arrived and there was an enormous queue of people waiting to be checked in by the now rather beleaguered looking registration staff. It was clear things were taking a little longer than was expected.
Finally, by about mid-afternoon we were all directed into the studio, which had been set up nearby. Men were seated on one side, women on the other, with an aisle down the middle. The warm up man came on, had us record some canned applause for the cameras, and then the format of the act was explained to us. We would be called up by the numbers on our wristbands to go and stand behind screens to either side of the stage. When it was our turn we would walk out onto the stage to see our partner walking toward us. We'd have 15 seconds to greet them and then we were to walk off stage together up the aisle. Quite a nerve-wracking prospect in a room with a thousand people in it.
Cherry came up on stage to explain all of this to the cameras, complete with encouraged "oohs" and "aahs" from the audience.
As I sat there it began to dawn on me how out of place I felt in quite a few ways, I can at least say I'm in my twenties for the next few months but most of the men sat around me were in their early twenties or even teens. They also seemed very outgoing and loud. A lot of them, I gleaned from the conversation around me, were just there because they were desperate to get on TV. I wondered just who was sitting on the other side of the aisle waiting to meet me. I hoped that the matching process was good enough that she was finding herself feeling the same way.
The first numbers were called up, and then the first couple walked out onto the stage and into each others arms, to the applause of the crowd. They kissed each other on the cheek and walked hand in hand down the aisle. Then the next couple, and the next. Things were progressing very slowly, but at least they started to speed up as it went on.
It was with some relief that I observed that most of the couples seemed to suit each other quite well. The few thirty-something guys in suits seemed to be meeting smartly turned out intelligent looking young women. The young ones dressed as though for a nightclub were being neatly paired off too. One guy actually came up on stage having left his shirt behind, and he was paired off with a woman in plastic clubwear, which was a fitting match I thought.
The guy sat next to me could only shout out a verbal diarrhea of how hot he thought each woman who came down the aisle was and what he'd do to her, and then he'd jump up and turn around to declare to the world what he thought of her arse. That got old quickly. I only wished they'd pair him up quickly so he could go away and tell his partner just what he thought of her behind and not us.
The audience reactions in general made the day worthwhile I thought. Couple after couple went up and each got their own response from the watching masses, usually very positive. One guy greeted his match by going down on one knee and kissing her hand, to rapturous applause. Some guys got high fives as they came down the aisle by guys who thought they'd done well. There were even three guys sat ahead of me who stood up and saluted each man who passed them with what they considered a worthy prize.
One guy quietly punched the air in triumph as he led his gorgeous partner from the stage, to the delight of the audience.
On a few occasions the guy refused to take the woman's hand or touch her, which I thought was a shame and not in the spirt of things at all. These couples got boos from the audience, until we were all requested not to. I felt really sorry for the women in these moments, after that massive buildup.
I also thought it was a wonderful statement that some of the meeting couples were in fact same-sex, and the way in which the audience applauded them especially loudly was heart warming.
At the same time as all of this I could feel the tension in the pit of my stomach. It was either that or the fact I'd only eaten a sandwich all day and it was already late afternoon. Numbers were being called out, but some were being skipped. When would they call me? Would they call me?
Then they called out my number and in a blur I made my way up to the screens, the guys on my row patting my back as I went. I made smalltalk with the other guys who were also waiting to go on stage. A technician came over and attached a microphone to my shirt. I mused that this must be, to some extent, what it would be like to be a public figure, to have production people milling around you getting you ready whilst your mind was focused on what you were about to do.
The line of guys stood ahead of me were going up on stage one by one. None of us could see what was going on, all we could hear was the reaction of the crowd as each stepped up to meet his match. Two guys ahead of me there was an uproar from the crowd, something had obviously happened, but I had no idea what. It only served to build up the tension even more.
The guy ahead of me went up and again there was a reaction from the crowd. Gasps, then laughs, then finally a cheer. I still don't know why; I was stood behind the line on the floor still behind the screen with no view of the stage. My turn next.
The host who had been calling out the numbers checked my wrist band number and nodded. It was time.
Eyes closed.
Breathe.
"Couple two hundred and forty"
It's one of those moments where things progress in a dream-like state because there is too much to take in at once. I floated out from behind the screen and out onto the stage. I was looking for my partner, for my first glimpse of her. I couldn't see the audience even though they were right there but I could feel them, the sound of the applause was everywhere and washing right through me.
Then I saw her. She was walking toward me across the stage. Not at all what I had expected, but she was cute no doubt about that. Her smile flew across the stage at me and I could feel its warmth make my own smile widen involuntarily. So this was it, this was really her. And then we were stood there together in the middle of the stage, just the two of us.
I knew what I wanted to do in this moment, twirl her around and step in under my own arm as she came around so her hand ended up on my shoulder. I must have done it a hundred times before but here on stage it didn't work at first. I felt the awkwardness as though it was a buffet from the crowd. Keep calm and carry on. Around she went, her hand landed on my shoulder, I looked into her eyes and said a rather wooden "Hi, nice to meet you".
And then I was leading her down the aisle. I looked ahead but my focus was still on her, I couldn't see the audience who were just feet away to either side.
"I bet you've been planning that all morning" she said.
"Meh, just the last five minutes." I replied.
Then there was the very romantic pause as we got mobbed by two different techs who had the audacity to demand their microphones back. Then we were released from the madness of the studio back into the waiting area where the champagne was waiting.
As I recall this part of the day I recall such a sudden contrast, to go from the whole morning of waiting surrounded by groups of men to being one-on-one with an attractive woman.
We went off to find a sofa to sit and get to know one another...
I should say a few things about the aftermath.
My experience of the day was awesome. I met some interesting new people, had fun stepping up to play magician on a couple of occasions, had one of the most terrifying and yet exhilarating experiences of my life stepping up on stage, and at the end of it all met a lovely young woman.
I know some of the people who were there, well quite a few actually, have quite vocally gone on twitter an Facebook to declare how much of a disaster the day was. Many were not happy with their matches at all, and apparently after I left things in the studio went downhill as many were left unmatched, people were starting to leave because it was getting late and it had been a very long time since proceedings in the studio had begun. And of course some people had come a long way in coaches only to be disappointed.
I can sympathise with this to some extent, but I am a little bit sick of hearing all this moaning about how bad the day was. I went along to this event because it sounded like fun. I didn't have any expectations of the woman I would meet there, other than being curious to see who I was put with. I didn't pay a penny for the experience, save for the cost of driving there.
That's an important point; ultimately to those of us participating this day was a freebie. I have gone on speed dating evenings and found myself wondering why I paid £30 because not one of the women there remotely interested me. Worse, I've gone on speed dating evenings where I've really fancied just one girl with whom I thought I had really great chemistry, only for her to jump into the lap of the guy who was sat next to me. They're still dating and he's a top bloke too; the bastard.
My point is that these things happen.
Organising an event like this one is by no means an easy task, especially if it's never been done before. But, the organisers got all those people there, sat them in a studio, showed them some live drama on stage even if they weren't able to participate themselves, introduced them to a bunch of new people they would never otherwise have met, and got them home safely. For free.
Is that bad value for money?
Would anything else these people could have done that day made for a more interesting story to tell their mates at the pub?
Anyway, it's all said and done now.
The show is apparently set to go out next year in six, one hour episodes. I will post details here when that happens. Who knows, my bad card trick may even make the edit. Hah!
(For another viewpoint of the day's events, you can read Martyn Standering's story here. He was the guy with the teddy bear.)
